Psych, Part VIII
Monday, May 1st
The weekend went well. I felt good and was able to do some studying and yard work. On Friday I talked to S. about some things that had been bothering me and I felt better having told her. She wants me to write down when I have irrational thoughts. I am also supposed to write down how I feel if I cut myself. Today has been a little distressing. One of "our parents" died last week and the funeral was today. Many students and teachers attended. It bothered me hearing about it. I was bothered when C. and S. were talking about alcholics they knew. I made all tense inside. Since I had little interaction with anyone things went ok, thought Saturday morning I did condsider the Ativan but chickened out. I only had an urge to cut once when I was at my parents' house. Something about being there on a spring day bothered me.

Friday night we went to a dance at [elementary school]. I had a short-sleeved shirt and worried that people would see my wrist but noone seemed to notice. BH and I had a good time dancing.

Saturday, May 6
On the whole I felt really good this week and was able to get a lot done. I decided I will be doing my presentation next Wednesday. I also got a lot of weeding done at school. However things got tougher on Thursday and Friday and I cut myself with a razor on Friday afternoon.

We had been out every night doing one or another and on Thursday I took the day off to take DS to see N. Then I cleaned the first floor, went shopping and did some gardening. then we had the group over for a BBQ. By 8:30 I was really tired. but instead of sleeping well I had a terrible nightmare all night. I don't remember all. In one I went to go outside and it was sunny and in a forest but it was very white foggy and something in the fog was terrifying. the other dream involved me being in the hospital again. But it wasn't Natchaug. There was something about some kind of killer but that was ok. At one point I saw a dismembered body and that was ok, but the second time I woke up screaming. The women's head and arms were on a stove like the old one we had. Her arms were placed on the correct side palms up and her head was near the front edge facing the back of the stove so her very long blond braid could fall to the floor. In another place was her torso and legs (still attached) but there were 5 cuts going diagonally across her torso. I didn't sleep much after that. Yesterday was busy, I didn't feel well and it started getting really hot, then I had a dispute with a teacher. by the time I got home I was too uupset and I took a disposable razor apart and cut myself five times. The first four were not deep enough. Then last night when I tried to go to sleep-the image of the woman's head kept coming back and then it started turning to say something and the eyes were white. A couple of times it changed tto someone else's head including Dr. S'. and DS's. Thinking about it today still gives me chills and makes me jumpy. I did finally get to sleep and don't remember my dreams.


Wednesday, May 17
I haven't written in a long time. I have been feeling ok-not great just kind of here. Lots of people have said I look good, I just wish I felt as good as I look. I have now gained eight lbs and have been out in the sun abit. Last Saturday we were received into the Episcopal Church. It was a very nice ceremony. On Sunday we were recognized in church and received a mass book. It has been very busy at work. I seem to be finding myself frustrated and unable to deal with it. Yesterday I cut myself and while I do not necessarily feel like killing myself. I don't really care. The cuts yesterday were almost not enough and I had very strong urge to slash from my wrist to my elbow or my throat. Then again today things were bad again, but I did not follow through on any thing. I am not sure if I should call the doctor or not. I feel really crazy for having these feelings. I am angry with myself and that only makes things worse.