Still hurting

I am still hurting. We went to hear some Celtic music when we got home I couldn't get alone quickly enough. Relief was not long enough. I have been thinking of so many things that have me feeling very dark, deadly thoughts I need to call Dr. S. Once again, please help

Tranquility

They all look so calm. Things kids say roll off of them while they ricochet inside my brain bumping into other similar thoughts until they get my brain all twisted and uptight. Other times I just want help getting rid of them all. That's when the thoughts make me think of taking many extra meds. I want to sleep for a long time and only wake up to the peace. Some of these thoughts are the struggle over cutting, taking meds, or other ways to soothe my bumper car brain. Are there people who never feel this way? If so I envy them. How do they do that? My breathing is wrong, I can't keep my legs still and I feel like I need to cut (or bite or break something) to release the pain. It doesn't work for long but it is better than nothing.
Want to call somebody but I don't know who to call. PLEASE HELP!

Sick

I have been sick for the past couple of days with a cold. Now I just sound terrible but feel better physically. I have been looking for help all day, but finally gave in and cut. I am sure I will again. I tried several different things to keep from doing it. I tried distracting, praying, mindfulness, thinking about what it would do to my family. Nothing worked and by the time I got home I was considerig other more lethal things. I actually put a sock around my neck. I also counted all my Ativan, which I had 30 of this time rather than 19. When I was trying to get the razor apart to use it, I found a hack saw that was pretty sharp and then a carpet knife. I was able to resist the temptation of both of those, but now I am alone again. Several times I looked up several things on suicide and cutting, but found no relief-I just kept wanting to type HELP and have someone or something show up to take it all away.

I have tried all day to discover where this all came from. I got my hair highlighted yesterday. I love it, but I don't know about anyone else since there was little other commentary. Once before someone said I was a beautiful woman. I can see this a bit, I don't think I am a dog and I think I have great eyes and nice smile. But someone else said I was a beautiful woman yesterday. This makes me all confused because I am not sure how they mean that. It also makes me feel uptight because I feel like I am somehow letting them down.

I watch the images and news that floods about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and feel helpless to help them. I want to be able to go there and dig with my hands if need be I want to help find survivors, just something to make their lives easier at this horrific time. But at the same time I doubt I would be able to help them in my current state. I don't know if I will ever be able to provide this kind of help. I have been feeling kind of let down with my life. I wanted to be doing much more than I am and lately I have wanted to help other people get better, but since that eludes me, I don't think that will happen.

Suiger is seems to have expanded his life a bit longer. The steroids are holding off the effects of the lesions on his brain for now. I am enjoying time with him and indulging him  a bit. I let him outside tonight, we toured the house a couple of times and then I brought him in. He seemed really nervous by the time I brought him in. His tail was all bushed and he was hissing. A little overwhelming for him.

Saturday Night

We got the room ready for painting and then BH had a friend and his sons over to watch a movie. They had a good time. I spent so much time with them, that I had little time to think of other things. I have agreed to take over BH ipod and give mine to DS. It was my fault he lost his other, if he hadn't been coming to the hospital he wouldn't have lost it. I am hoping to be tired soon so I won't think about anything else. Good night.

How else out?

I have had trouble as the week has gone on. Thursday and Friday I battled the urge to cut or overdose both days. Yesterday I couldn't stand it any more and used my jack knife in my car at school-this could get me in such trouble. I did call Dr. S. and asked him to call me back. When he did I eventually told him how I have been feeling about him. It was very scary, but he asked me to talk to S. about it, because he felt it would help me. He also told me that I could still be his patient. I spent today with my sister shopping. I had to buy something of course, but I may return it. BH and DS went to Manchester together. I fought the urge to cut, but lost (or won) and cut just a couple of times. I feel very tired now and am ready to go to bed.  I hope that I can control this all and get over it quickly. I slept for a long time last night after I spoke to the doctor. Now I just want to hit the sack for one last time-we will be taking the bedroom apart in preparation for our new bedroom set coming in. Good night.

Some nightmares

One night I had a nightmare about spiders. My mom was allowing some to grow large in her kitchen, except it was my kitchen. They were very large and it was almost impossible to go by without disturbing them and they were aggressive and very poisonous. The night before was the return of the witch nightmare. Except instead of being in a house, I was at a school. I had to go into the library where the witch was. I did actually go in in spite of my fear. Then I couldn't get the kids to leave and they kept sneaking in and getting on computers. It was both scary and bizarre. Two nights ago it was that I was driving somewhere and there was the water on both sides and then it started to cover the road and I couldn't see where the road was, DS offered to drive but I wouldn't let him. Then last night I dreamt I was a grandmother watching over her 4-year-old grandson who was setting out to complete a quest on his own. I was there to make sure he made it ok without being stopped. I guided him to places to get food and clothing. Then he stopped at a theatre where people were singing. Then they stopped singing and it became dark and that was when evil entered the building and I woke up. I spent about ten minutes praying and even after I got up I was still praying. It was so scary, I couldn't get back to a peaceful spot.

New week, new feeling

I was pretty down last week, but I feel better this week. Course not having to work half of last week probably helped. More and more snow, with more coming this week. Tomorrow I show my agility by getting on the roof to get rid of snow. BH is not good with heights. Hopefully no ambulance rides. I don't know why I never thought of this before but when I daydream about negative interactions I feel worse. Caught myself a couple of times this week and turned it around. Still some fleeting thoughts of cutting (when I thought about people seeing my scars) and once or twice about killing myself but nothing really bad.

I have been wearing make-up for a couple of weeks and still need some practice but it is going ok. Now I haven't decided about the highlights but I am thinking about it strongly. I don't know what BH and DS will think, but we'll see. I realize this is all kind of vain, but I do feel a bit better, I just need to redifine this whole thing.

I am worried about the cats. The Deaf One has pruned his back to almost nothing and I think Foxy has lost weight. I will be taking them to the vet on Tuesday. I'm trying two at once again and hope there are no peeing incidents. I have been watching movies with BH every night. Tonight was Gidget, I tried not to tease too much, but it was really hard to resist. He has been surprised by how many of his movies I have already seen. I didn't have a lot of other things to do when I was growing up. With no cousins my age I was kind of alone. And while I have my family, I am still alone. Shopping today was on my own because he would have been no fun, so I sent him to the three B's, Best Buy, Borders and Barnes and Noble. He found some DVDs.

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow and my therapist. I did call her about the whole second opinion thing. If she continues to bad mouth him, I will have to leave her. I REALLY don't want to, but I can't be put in the middle anymore and since she is the one with the problem, it will be her that I move away from. I have already hashed through this, so I'm going to leave it alone.

I am feeling like I may be able to start copying my journals from the hospital onto here. I am sure I will be embarrassed by how petty I was, I can do better as I go on.

What to do?

I felt really great last week. Things were going well and I really thought I would stay that way. But life doesn't work that way. Starting on Friday I felt like cutting myself or drowning or stabbing myself. I spent some time in church which only got me more confused. I have been asking God for help for many years and I wonder if he is helping me more than I think and I just don't know enough to take it.

I met with my therapist yesterday and she urged me to get a second opinion about my meds because she doesn't like the ones I am taking. This is the third or fourth time since January that she has tried to get me to change doctors. It is very stressful. I have no intention of changing doctors. I trust and like him and I have heard from other professionals that he is good (GP, pharmacist, therapists.) Somewhere along the line she took offense at something and seems to have lost respect. It is looking more likely that I will have to change therapists because I can't continue with things the way they are. It makes me doubt that I am thinking with a clear mind about his care for me.

I should realize by now that life isn't perfect and that I sometimes I need to do things that I don't want to. Thinking and writing about these things are hard, but I can't avoid them forever. Working through them will help me understand that I can survive unpleasant things. Kind of funny considering that I was thinking of poking a knife into my chest (not a very pleasant thing to think about either.)

I have been spending a lot of time with my DH. He likes to watch old movies and most of the time I don't mind sitting using the computer. He likes the company and so do I. I think I may skip that tonight. I have been doing more housework and cooking, though tonight's chili was ruined by mistaking 2 chili chipotle peppers for two CANS. As soon as it cools it will hit the trash. I will try it again on Friday.

My therapist wants me to write down what leads me to the dark thoughts. Sometimes I can't really figure it out, but I suppose there is something.

Absolute obsession

I find myself completely obsessed with my psychd. He is all I can think about and cannot control my search for information about him. In spite of my discovery that people can find out who was searching for them, I still needed to look up his family again. I really have to stop.

In other news, I have purchased a whole bunch of make-up. It is all-natural with no chemicals and actually doesn't look too bad. I need to practice putting it on, but I feel a little better about myself by using it. I have not worn it for years and spurned it, but find my interest renewed. I realize I am not getting younger and in spite of my  younger looks, I still feel the need to help things along with facial care products.

I have been enjoying the DBT program. I have even done the homework. I feel like it could help me if I keep the tools in mind. I am also ready to go back to work. I need to find something to keep me busy instead of shopping. BH has us on a good track financially and if we keep it up we could have money to use for some repair work that NEEDS to be done. I actually got up today and did some work around the house. It is the first time in a while I have been able to do this. I hope this trend continues.

Happy New Year!

Christmas Holiday

The holidays are over and things went ok. Though I had a couple of moments of panic, I was fairly calm. I have decided that as we go through next year, I will give everyone a birthday and Christmas gift. We had a blizzard yesterday, that wasn't really a blizzard for this part of the state. We did get some pretty high winds, enough to tip over the basketball hoop, the first time ever. I need to go show Mom how to use her netbook that we gave her. I still am not sure when I will go back to work, but it will be soon.

I am so stupid!

"In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient's feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist" I somehow thought I was too intelligent to fall for this, but I really know now that I have fallen for this more than once. And now I have followed this whole line to a horrible conclusion for myself. I even thought that there might be some reciprocation of feelings, they even describe it in the same place as the above "Countertransference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a patient, or more generally, as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a patient." So my fantasies might have some grounding in reality. But then I started looking at things. Why would a man with almost 30 years experience, a great job, a good small private practice, a beautiful, smart wife who has her own career in the medical field, a couple of great kids, risk anything for me? I have a career as a high school librarian who doesn't do anything to help others and currently can't even keep her house clean. I can't even consider anything. I don't know what I am going to do. What am I going to do?

I should explain. I was supposed to be doing something else. I was supposed to be teaching kids, little ones or big ones. Either helping the little ones grow up to be other things or to teach the big ones how to go out and help others. And here I am sitting behind a desk picking out books for kids who mostly could care less. And right now, I can't even do that. I helped DS as best I could to get through school and despite that he is succeeding now. I was too intimidated by conflict and never really helped him the way he needed. Or maybe BH was right and I should have let things go and he would have been better off. I just can't find anything redeeming about who I am now. I can't even focus on anything long enough-not even to pray. A trip to the church proved that true. And once again I am left out on my own with nowhere to turn. I know I can call for help, but maybe I don't want to. I know what happens when I do and I am not sure anything else can help me. I just want to stop thinking for a while. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe all I need to do is sleep all night tonight.

Thank you

All the other times I have left a program, whether in-patient or out, I have tried to forget the people I was in with, but this time I think I need a different approach. The people I was with this time made a real impression on me. They have been given hard times and yet are trying to get better not only for themselves, but also for their families. They have shown that they care for me and I think maybe I need to work hard to live up to their expectations. These people who have only known me for a week have shown me incredible caring and thoughts and I feel that I need to put as much effort into my recovery as they are putting into theirs.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Everything got lost! Happy Thanksgiving!