2010 again

I am hoping it won't be but I have already been back to the hospital once. Even though I feel really good about things I can't stop thinking about cutting myself. I did on Thursday, but not yesterday. I feel really strongly about it again tonight. I have to make a long cut from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. But at the same time, I am unable to sleep much past 8 in the morning anymore and I not only cooked dinner every night this week, I even made an apple crisp, cleaned the whole living room from one end to the other and decorated for fall. How can things be good and bad at the same time? My dreams have been bad lately though no major nightmares. I have seen the white thing 3 times now. I see this thing and think it's BH until I realize he is elsewhere. It really scares me and I saw it once in the hospital, though I knew it couldn't be BH, I thought it was another person. I am sitting outside watching my firepots burn. It got up to over 80 today, but now has cooled off. The dew got the grass cold and wet which felt good to walk over in a cold and wet way. Glad I had bare feet. Moved indoors and the warmth feels good. No need for heat yet but that should start next week. I am hoping to make it without going to the hospital but also want to feel safe, which I do not feel right now. The boy is home visiting and is currently in front of the computer screen. I suspect he will be in front of one screen or another until tomorrow afternoon. I have some TLC to give my poor feet and face and arm. I managed to give myself tennis elbow from sawing all the trees we lost in the hurricane. My allergies are really bothering me. With no killing frost and a wet summer and fall, the stuff out there has left me with a perpetually almost runny nose. A headache and stuffy throat have also been around. I have decided that I could never drown myself. With the occasional asthma attack, not being able to breathe that way is too hard. I tried it but couldn't do it. Chocking might be easier. I discovered that the multiple bracelets I wear loop around my neck tightly and two can be hooked together even tighter. I didn't go to far because I didn't want to go past the point of no return and have BH find me.

My last attempt that sent me to the hospital was by taking an overdose again. I apparently did not take enough or they found me to soon. I had tried call several people, including a couple of priests, and I couldn't reach anyone. Apparently a former priest did get my message and called, but I had already taken the pills. They used the GPS in my cell phone to find. Everything went blank, I do remember a cop telling me he was there to help, then nothing until Wednesday.  There was no heat and no hot water for showers for 5 days. It was not fun but at least I was rooming with a woman who was about my age and was a teacher. We had a lot in common and I felt a little more comfortable  than other times.

Things at work are going better. I have to realize that the somewhat new principal isn't always the best people person. She micromanages things. I just have to go in, do my job the best I can. I am also, for the first time since before he was born, not obsessing as much about DS. He is home tonight but this is only the second time since he went to school that he has come home.

Good night

Three Dreams

A week or so ago I had a dream about stupid things people did and got in trouble with the law. Very similar to Cops, but occuring in W. No one did anything violent, just stupid. As we were driving around, I saw my Dad in the store window of B's on Main Street next to Dunkin Donuts. But he wasn't in trouble, he was just looking out the window smiling. Then we went to the vacuum cleaner place on the other side. Something was happening at Memorial Park, but I can't remember what. Then I was outside town and had to get back home through some swampy area and get back across the river. There were some snakes, but I don't think they were rattlers because I wasn't really afraid of them. I woke up before I got there.

Last night I had two dreams. One was about how we had purchased Uncle S and Auntie P's house. The night we moved in we went and looked all around the house and checked on the porch. In the dream Uncle S. had added on an enclosed front porch, but the boards were rotting. It didn't matter. He went around and showed us where all the light switches were. Then it was just us and the lights went out and someone evil was trying to get in and none of the light switches would work and it was terrifying to me.  I woke up from that and then fell asleep again and dreamt that there were people who were trying to take over people. I am not clear about this dream except that I was hiding from them so they wouldn't give me whatever it was that they were giving people to forget who they were.

Weird Dream-about someone taking care of me.

This happened one night last week. BH kept eating my sandwiches. I had a piece of pizza and a big pbj sandwich. He ate those and I said nasty things and then ran away.  There were others and I knew that was where they wanted me to go. I finally crawled under a water tower and collapsed with the beautiful flowes (blue). I just lay there and there was another woman there who I could talk to. I just kind of lay there all crooked. I felt like I was really there and some man was going to take care of me.

Quiet Day

It was my first day of Summer vacation-2 months of sleeping in. I must admit that I actually spent most of the day sleeping. DS didn't go to work because he boss wasn't there yesterday or today. So he spent most of the day alone today. We went to a concert which was nice, but when we got back the two of us just wanted to be left to ourselves. BH finally went to bed, but I feel bad that I didn't treat him well.

Father's Day

I feel really crappy because it was BH's first father's day without his father and I hardly even registered it. I also got nothing for my dad, not even a card. I did almost no housework. What is wrong with me?! I am no use to anyone except for my pay. Once this year is over, there will be no need for me to be around. What difference does any of it make. I have messed up this year enough and it will be a tough summer financially. Even killing myself won't make a difference because my life insurance won't pay enough. At least no one would have to worry about what they would come home to find. Except another day with a fat middle-aged woman. What am I going to do?

Reality

I just realized why I like YA literature so much. It gives me the opportunity to pretend that I am that age and can relive those years and maybe get them back or redo them. I wasn't friendless, but the people I hung around with were just that. Most of them I have only seen or talked to once or twice in 25 years. I read the books, and the protaganists start out messed up, but get it figured out by the end of the book. I never did that. When I told my psychd about my IQ, I don't think he really understood about it and I am sure he didn't understand how it messed things up for me. He told me that I might find talking to the new psychd difficult because he was more intellectual. I am sure I will be able to keep up with him. Anyhow, I wonder if I will look at YA differently now that I have this revelation. We'll see.

Secrets

Just realized what it is that I am missing, I want someone to tell my secrets to. I have to pay someone to do that now. back 25 years ago I thought I had that but then I was let down when secrets went back and forth and I was left out. This is my only fully anonymous outlet.


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Really low

A couple of nights ago I dreamt that the Z-man tried to bite me even though he didn't want to. I got nothing done this weekend, all I could do was sleep. I have to make it 13 more days before I collapse. I am hoping that making it that far will make things turn around. I have an appointment with S today and maybe that will help.


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Saying goodbye

We went to the memorial service today. I am glad that I did, though it is still hard to believe that he is gone. It seems that he stayed the optimistic, happy person he was. The speaker described his smile-a hallmark of his that I hope I will never forget.

I am so anxious today, I can't even sit still, but it is more than that. I am not twitching like I have from medication, instead I just find that my muscles are moving when I try to sit still. Tomorrow is BH birthday and I really want to do everything for him, but I don't know how I can. I'm going to take my medicine and go to bed and try to do things tomorrow.

Quiet Night

We had huge storms tonight that cooled things off and dropped the humidity. Now I'm lying in bed enjoying the dark and the sounds of the fans and the frogs.
A little reminder of when I was younger. Since it was so hard to sleep I often listened to it for hours.


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Another bit of bad news

My best friend and former boyfriend passed away from leukemia. At first I didn't feel much at all. Now I am just amazed to think that he is no longer here to be with his family and friends. I don't know why but I feel it is very important to go to his services. It will mean we lose another Saturday, but the basement will still be there. BH has agreed to go with me, which I am glad of because I will need support once we get there. I feel kind of lost in nothingness. Very stressed, angry, with absolutely no sense of self-worth. I tried making a list of things that would be good if I were gone and what would be good if I were here. It didn't turn out the way I planned it with the better things being if I was gone.


I guess I still need to work on this another time. I can't believe he's gone.  It just doesn't seem possible that he isn't laughing or talking, or listening to music. What's really weird is that I thought of him a couple of days ago for the first time in a long time. I figured he probably wasn't married yet, I'm glad to know that he did have a long relationship with a woman and her girls so he did get the chance to be a Dad. It's really hard not to cry at his loss.

I hate them (males that is)

I am feeling very upset with males right now. I am angry with my husband for wanting that thin woman he married, with my son for playing mind games with me, even if he isn't doing it on purpose. I am mad with the doctor for taking so long to call me back and for not returning my feelings (even if I know that he doesn't feel that way toward me). I hate the man who started this whole thing-even though that was years ago and that may not have happened. I just want to cut them all out of my life so I don't have to think about them. (Not really, but I am very angry. I want to stop feeling all these bad things. I tried on clothes today and I am a fat, sweaty disgusting pig. I thought about cutting the belly fat out, but that would still leave the fat legs, behind, arms, etc. I really feeling like damaging something-the computer, books, myself. Something has to give or I will burst.

Serial Killer

Last nights nightmare was weird (of course aren't they all?) we had a huge house with six bedrooms and a couple of living rooms. BH had made sure that there was a hot tub in the furthest room. We also had our own bathrooms while others had to share dirty ones. We had a party. We also were keeping a prisoner locked up so he could live in a house. We let him loose and he tried to have sex with a drug addict.
The first floor was a shop window and there were 12 or 13 of us there. A man in his 20's came in with a weapon that was like a straight edge razor buy bigger. He then said he didn't care who he killed it was all about how many he killed. Then he attacked me and cut my face and sliced at my legs until I passed out. When I woke up he had chopped everyone to pieces. The police had cleaned it all up, but someone found a piece of finger. While I still had the house I lived there alone. It wax years later and the 2 of us who had survived were remembering back. Then I woke up. Weird but very vivid. I could feel the pain and fear. Also desire for DH.
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