Well, the ultrasound is done. There was something there, I could see it on the screen and the fact the the radiologist measured and viewed it from every angle added to my thoughts. She also was very concerned about when my follow up appointmnet was. So now I just wait to see what happens. I am so tired now. I barely slept last night and am falling asleep as I'm typing.

Also another tunnel incident. I had had toast and coffee so I wasn't hungry, but after watching a video, I had trouble refocusing on the classroom where I was physically located. No tunneling effect though. It was about 5 pm.

Another night, another bad dream. This one was a bit different. BH was divorcing me, though I can't remember why. It bothers me because I think of what I have put him through and know that in some ways he would be better off if I weren't around.

I find myself kind of shaky lately. I am also losing weight again. I know the weight loss is in adding the Strattera (kind of like Alice, this pill makes you smaller, this one makes you taller). I am not sure about the shaky part. It might be because of the crazy eating schedule I have, or it could be nerves about work, or school, or J coming up for Christmas. But it probably is the Strattera and I don't believe the benefits outweigh the side effects, but I will give it one more month. Dr. P suggested Ritalin, but I am not sure I would like the ups and downs of it. Since it is a stimulant it works really well for a certain number of hours after taking it, but then that wears off and the hyperactivity comes back. It was great for DS in elementary school, because it let him be in control in school and then at home it didn't matter. Now he needs something that is more consistent and the Ritalin made him lose too much weight when he had to take a larger dose.

Ok, so I ate breakfast, wasn’t tired, and had fluids. After carrying a couple of boxes upstairs the tunnel happened with blocked, fuzzy hearing and then the sound of rushing water to almost a high pitched whine. So what’s up with that?

Well, last night made up for the past couple of weeks. I can't remember most of my dreams for the night, but they were on the nightmare side. Then early this morning I woke up screaming. I was in a building somewhere and a man put his head inside the door. At first it was someone I knew, then it was someone absolutely terrifying, but I don't know who. It still makes my stomach cramp and makes me cry it was so scary. I just wish I knew who it was. I woke up DS with the screaming and he asked me what happened and then told me that talking to him would help. He is such an empathetic, caring kid, he is truly a blessing.

I haven't dreamt as much over the past couple of weeks and I haven't woken terrorized by a nightmare. However, last night's dreams were disturbing. It was night in Willimantic and my mother told me I had to go bail Steven out. It wasn't really safe on the way over, but I made it there ok. After I paid his bail, and before he and his girlfriend left he told me he wanted the photographs and another item that had been left in his house. Mom showed me where his house had been and now it was a grassy area near the water.

I had to walk home late at night in Willimantic and a woman had been killed. Mom and T. and I went to the beach. As I went out to the water, I found two women's bodies. One was decapitated, but the other was just dead. After calling the police there was only one body, the decapitated one and she was all twisted and bloody. I can't remember her face but it was all cut up. I kept telling the police that the killer was in a certain town, but they wouldn't believe me.

Last night I dreamt that we were camping in cabins/houses, it must have been in Russia. One of the boys in the youth group tried to help some other kids defect. The Russian kids were caught but he ran away. I got everyone to go looking for him and yelling to him, but he wouldn't come out. I was afraid something had happened to him. I had to call his parents, but I couldn't get my phone to work. It wasn't really a nightmare, more of a bad dream. I just couldn't get him to come back or find him.

Then I got up and couldn't find the door. I kept trying to go through the window, it was very confusing. The colors were wrong and I then I couldn't focus on anything. Sometimes when I convince myself I am not crazy, I go do something like that. I know that there are people out there who really need help and have nothing, but sometimes I just want it to all go away. I want to be normal without medication, but I don't want to go back to who I was. I'm gaining weight again now that summer is over and I had two bowls of cereal, a serving of mandarin oranges, a soda, a Lean Cuisine thing and two cany bars and now it's only 8:30 and I'm starving, with my stomach growling and everything.

I don't remember class too well tonight. It was busy at school with lots of classes and I was alone because C. was out sick again. Then I had to come home, check on DS then go back to campus. Rambling, like usual. Too much to deal with.

First the dryer doesn't work, then we get it fixed, then it doesn't work and we are given one, but it only turns the drum with no heat. We buy a new dryer and this one doesn't heat and then we discover a blown fuse! Eventually we will have a dryer again, but until then I am refusing to do any laundry. I hung the clothes out for 5 months, which is something considering all we do.

I haven't had any nightmares that I remember since I started on the Strattera. I seem to be very sleepy and have a headache, but I think that is allergies. Killing frost is predicted for tonight or tomorrow night, then I'll see how it goes. Two nights ago I did wake up screaming, but I don't think it was a nightmare, it was because BH woke me up abruptly and scared the hell out of me. Then, once you get your heart down to 120bpm, there's no way to go back to sleep. And it wasn't even important, it had to do with one of the cats. The last dream I had before I woke this morning was about me and my mother being together with a group of women. We were rooming together doing some kind of program. In any case it was getting close to when we were to leave, but I wanted to go to the beach. I often have dreams when I want to go to the beach and can't get there due to time constraints, emergencies, or physical barriers. I have no idea what that may mean, but it occurs in my dreams at least a couple of times a month.

I have read or heard a couple of really good books lately. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Chbosky. It is an honest and fair portrayal of teenage life and the author does not apologize for the presence of abortion, drugs and drinking which really are a part of most of our youth’s life. This is the book students should be reading instead of Catcher in the Rye, which is considered a classic, no longer represents a situation most of our students can relate to. The Baby Boomers need to give it up. I would recommend this book to any students mature enough for the subject matter, probably at least a junior or senior high school student.

I also finished listening to Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Once again she has written an engaging book that makes the reader or listener really think. Atwood has the uncanny ability to use current events and trends and take them one step further to what could easily be the future. This is another hit for her. This book is for adults, though some mature students might enjoy it as well.

I listened to Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. It was an ok story, but I will not read the next two books in the series. It is a best seller, though I am not sure why. The writing is mediocre and filled with references to a specific type of computer. I wonder how much the author got paid for those subliminal ads. I would not recommend this books to adults and while the reading level may be at an older level, the story itself can best be enjoyed by children at grade levels 4-7 who will find some of the humor right up their alley.

Last year I joined Audible.com. I pay a monthly subscription of $19.95 and can choose two audibooks each month. The price is right and they have a very wide selection books, including recently released books.
Link

This week hasn’t gotten much better. BH overpaid the bills again and now we’re scrambling for money for food and gas until our next paycheck. I was really angry with him because he just does not seem to get it. Maybe he has now. I had a ugly confrontation with two teachers because they got to school early and got the library unlocked so everything was open with no one watching out for the equipment. They got here early and thought they should always have access to the Riso machine. I feel like a teenager about the female teacher, when she came this morning and in a very obvious way said thank you to C. I called her a bitch under my breath. I’ve sunk to the level of many of our female students. I’m exhausted and just want to go home and sleep.

I’ve also been bothered by an incident that happened a few years ago that I had forgotten about until this week and now it really creeps me out. While talking to a consultant hired by the school he was masturbating. He did it with his hands in his pants but I still new. How disgusting! And why me? When I spoke to someone about it they recommended that I should never be alone with him-not that there would be any chance of that!

It’s back to work.

I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry and because of all those things I'm confused. I stayed home from work today, but had to go to a useless meeting and then class. Since yesterday our cable, Internet and phone have all been shut off because of non-payment, not that we couldn't pay, just that we didn't. I never gave BH bills for online payments, he didn't notice there were no bills and now we have a mess. Additionally, I got a ticket on campus, which I knew I was going to get and should have avoided. At least BH now sees how mixed up our financial situation is and that we need to get it all straightened out.

Yesterday was an a stressful day as well. We had a 504 meeting for DS. I was actually encouraged after the meeting. I may have overreacted to events of the last week, but now I have met with all his teachers and we have a better feeling for how things have gone so far this year. I also had another "out of body" episode. It is hard to explain this and I'm am a bit concerned because I believe they may be seizures. They only last a few seconds, I generally still hear and see what is going on, but my field of vision narrows and then I seem to jump ahead in time and things look different. I saw my MD about this, he decided it was not something to be concerned about, except that they may be optical migraines and if there is no pain associated with this, I don't need to worry. However, when my mother explained to me what a petit mal was like, it was almost identical to what I feel. This one occured immediately after the meeting ended.

I am too tired to even think about anything. The course I am taking is useless and we probably could have saved a couple hundred dollars of me taking it. I really have learned nothing new.

I had a meeting with my advisor and will know by the end of October if I am in the PhD program.

That's it.

S. has asked me to keep a journal so we can talk about things that bother me between sessions. She also asked me to try to jot down what I remember in dreams. There have been so many bad ones, I have trouble keeping track of them. I also sometimes can't remember if something was a dream or actually happened. A bit scary.

In last night's dream we were trapped by people who wanted information on the "mob." Not really like Al Capone, but an underworld group. We escaped and there was a pregnant woman with us, but she was with BH (Maybe a bit of guilt that it is unlikely that BH will experience me in that condition.)

I have also been having a really hard time lately. I love BH but I miss the physical contact with him. He never lets me sleep touching him anymore, I'm lucky if I get a kiss and any kind of PDA is absent.
I also feel prettty crappy about myself. I don't have a complete wardrobe for now, I haven't been able to get up early enough to shower and dry my hair. I have no contact lenses, no rings and have rolls of fat on my stomach. Just about the time I think I am ok with that, I look in the mirror. I also believe that I smell. It has always been one of my hangups and though I have had BH tell me I needed a shower a couple of times since we've been married, I can't help feeling that way. I have also gone back to the two chocolate bars and chocolate milk everyday. I need to control myself with that and eat real food. I bit my arm today, though not hard enough to leave marks, I have never been able to do that. I did scratch my arm a bit with my fingernails, but again, not enough to leave major marks. I try to use any excuse to put it off. Examples: it's still too warm for long sleeves, I won't be able to work with the youth if I hurt myself, DS and BH are around and might catch me, my mom will know, the PT will know and ask, but none of them seem to be enough reason. Like S. said it is a kind of addiction, because I know if I cut myself I will feel a release and feel calmer for a while. It's just that I have to get the bad part out-the part that is attracted to this other man and the part that looks like a middle-aged woman. I just need to make it through tonight and then I hopefully will have the strength to make it through tomorrow.

Well, we made it through the first week of school. We all seem to be off to a good start. The holiday weekend was interesting. On Saturday, as I was showering, it suddenly hit me how J must feel. She must often feel the same way I do, nervous, not confident, not sure where to go or what to do next and wanting to make sure everyhting works out for the best. I guess I have thought that she always had everything going for her, but somehow I realized that the last couple of months have been a disaster for her, because with the breast cancer there is little under her control. She finished chemo last week and now will start radiation. Her doctor is confident that everything is under control and she will recover well. They have even found that it was a hormonal fluctuation that caused the cancer. We also believe that Lyme Disease she contracted while up here last summer made things move faster.

I have also been getting up early most mornings and riding the stationary bike for 10-20 minutes. It's a start. My great experiment with tapering off medication came to a disasterous close. After being on half doses for 5 weeks, I really lost my temper on three separate occasions. Brought back bad memories of verbal abuse inflicted on those around me. After a week back on I do actually feel better overall. My mother said that there are lots of people who must be on medicatio for the rest of their lives icluding those with diabetes or epilepsy. I was just kind of disappointed that all the anger management and calming exercises did not work well enough to keep me out of trouble. Oh well. I have also been eating very little junk food and eating three regular meals a day. I don't know what difference it wil make but at least I should be healthier.

Time for bed!