Saturday Night

We got the room ready for painting and then BH had a friend and his sons over to watch a movie. They had a good time. I spent so much time with them, that I had little time to think of other things. I have agreed to take over BH ipod and give mine to DS. It was my fault he lost his other, if he hadn't been coming to the hospital he wouldn't have lost it. I am hoping to be tired soon so I won't think about anything else. Good night.

How else out?

I have had trouble as the week has gone on. Thursday and Friday I battled the urge to cut or overdose both days. Yesterday I couldn't stand it any more and used my jack knife in my car at school-this could get me in such trouble. I did call Dr. S. and asked him to call me back. When he did I eventually told him how I have been feeling about him. It was very scary, but he asked me to talk to S. about it, because he felt it would help me. He also told me that I could still be his patient. I spent today with my sister shopping. I had to buy something of course, but I may return it. BH and DS went to Manchester together. I fought the urge to cut, but lost (or won) and cut just a couple of times. I feel very tired now and am ready to go to bed.  I hope that I can control this all and get over it quickly. I slept for a long time last night after I spoke to the doctor. Now I just want to hit the sack for one last time-we will be taking the bedroom apart in preparation for our new bedroom set coming in. Good night.

Some nightmares

One night I had a nightmare about spiders. My mom was allowing some to grow large in her kitchen, except it was my kitchen. They were very large and it was almost impossible to go by without disturbing them and they were aggressive and very poisonous. The night before was the return of the witch nightmare. Except instead of being in a house, I was at a school. I had to go into the library where the witch was. I did actually go in in spite of my fear. Then I couldn't get the kids to leave and they kept sneaking in and getting on computers. It was both scary and bizarre. Two nights ago it was that I was driving somewhere and there was the water on both sides and then it started to cover the road and I couldn't see where the road was, DS offered to drive but I wouldn't let him. Then last night I dreamt I was a grandmother watching over her 4-year-old grandson who was setting out to complete a quest on his own. I was there to make sure he made it ok without being stopped. I guided him to places to get food and clothing. Then he stopped at a theatre where people were singing. Then they stopped singing and it became dark and that was when evil entered the building and I woke up. I spent about ten minutes praying and even after I got up I was still praying. It was so scary, I couldn't get back to a peaceful spot.

New week, new feeling

I was pretty down last week, but I feel better this week. Course not having to work half of last week probably helped. More and more snow, with more coming this week. Tomorrow I show my agility by getting on the roof to get rid of snow. BH is not good with heights. Hopefully no ambulance rides. I don't know why I never thought of this before but when I daydream about negative interactions I feel worse. Caught myself a couple of times this week and turned it around. Still some fleeting thoughts of cutting (when I thought about people seeing my scars) and once or twice about killing myself but nothing really bad.

I have been wearing make-up for a couple of weeks and still need some practice but it is going ok. Now I haven't decided about the highlights but I am thinking about it strongly. I don't know what BH and DS will think, but we'll see. I realize this is all kind of vain, but I do feel a bit better, I just need to redifine this whole thing.

I am worried about the cats. The Deaf One has pruned his back to almost nothing and I think Foxy has lost weight. I will be taking them to the vet on Tuesday. I'm trying two at once again and hope there are no peeing incidents. I have been watching movies with BH every night. Tonight was Gidget, I tried not to tease too much, but it was really hard to resist. He has been surprised by how many of his movies I have already seen. I didn't have a lot of other things to do when I was growing up. With no cousins my age I was kind of alone. And while I have my family, I am still alone. Shopping today was on my own because he would have been no fun, so I sent him to the three B's, Best Buy, Borders and Barnes and Noble. He found some DVDs.

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow and my therapist. I did call her about the whole second opinion thing. If she continues to bad mouth him, I will have to leave her. I REALLY don't want to, but I can't be put in the middle anymore and since she is the one with the problem, it will be her that I move away from. I have already hashed through this, so I'm going to leave it alone.

I am feeling like I may be able to start copying my journals from the hospital onto here. I am sure I will be embarrassed by how petty I was, I can do better as I go on.

What to do?

I felt really great last week. Things were going well and I really thought I would stay that way. But life doesn't work that way. Starting on Friday I felt like cutting myself or drowning or stabbing myself. I spent some time in church which only got me more confused. I have been asking God for help for many years and I wonder if he is helping me more than I think and I just don't know enough to take it.

I met with my therapist yesterday and she urged me to get a second opinion about my meds because she doesn't like the ones I am taking. This is the third or fourth time since January that she has tried to get me to change doctors. It is very stressful. I have no intention of changing doctors. I trust and like him and I have heard from other professionals that he is good (GP, pharmacist, therapists.) Somewhere along the line she took offense at something and seems to have lost respect. It is looking more likely that I will have to change therapists because I can't continue with things the way they are. It makes me doubt that I am thinking with a clear mind about his care for me.

I should realize by now that life isn't perfect and that I sometimes I need to do things that I don't want to. Thinking and writing about these things are hard, but I can't avoid them forever. Working through them will help me understand that I can survive unpleasant things. Kind of funny considering that I was thinking of poking a knife into my chest (not a very pleasant thing to think about either.)

I have been spending a lot of time with my DH. He likes to watch old movies and most of the time I don't mind sitting using the computer. He likes the company and so do I. I think I may skip that tonight. I have been doing more housework and cooking, though tonight's chili was ruined by mistaking 2 chili chipotle peppers for two CANS. As soon as it cools it will hit the trash. I will try it again on Friday.

My therapist wants me to write down what leads me to the dark thoughts. Sometimes I can't really figure it out, but I suppose there is something.

Absolute obsession

I find myself completely obsessed with my psychd. He is all I can think about and cannot control my search for information about him. In spite of my discovery that people can find out who was searching for them, I still needed to look up his family again. I really have to stop.

In other news, I have purchased a whole bunch of make-up. It is all-natural with no chemicals and actually doesn't look too bad. I need to practice putting it on, but I feel a little better about myself by using it. I have not worn it for years and spurned it, but find my interest renewed. I realize I am not getting younger and in spite of my  younger looks, I still feel the need to help things along with facial care products.

I have been enjoying the DBT program. I have even done the homework. I feel like it could help me if I keep the tools in mind. I am also ready to go back to work. I need to find something to keep me busy instead of shopping. BH has us on a good track financially and if we keep it up we could have money to use for some repair work that NEEDS to be done. I actually got up today and did some work around the house. It is the first time in a while I have been able to do this. I hope this trend continues.

Happy New Year!

Christmas Holiday

The holidays are over and things went ok. Though I had a couple of moments of panic, I was fairly calm. I have decided that as we go through next year, I will give everyone a birthday and Christmas gift. We had a blizzard yesterday, that wasn't really a blizzard for this part of the state. We did get some pretty high winds, enough to tip over the basketball hoop, the first time ever. I need to go show Mom how to use her netbook that we gave her. I still am not sure when I will go back to work, but it will be soon.

I am so stupid!

"In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient's feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist" I somehow thought I was too intelligent to fall for this, but I really know now that I have fallen for this more than once. And now I have followed this whole line to a horrible conclusion for myself. I even thought that there might be some reciprocation of feelings, they even describe it in the same place as the above "Countertransference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a patient, or more generally, as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a patient." So my fantasies might have some grounding in reality. But then I started looking at things. Why would a man with almost 30 years experience, a great job, a good small private practice, a beautiful, smart wife who has her own career in the medical field, a couple of great kids, risk anything for me? I have a career as a high school librarian who doesn't do anything to help others and currently can't even keep her house clean. I can't even consider anything. I don't know what I am going to do. What am I going to do?

I should explain. I was supposed to be doing something else. I was supposed to be teaching kids, little ones or big ones. Either helping the little ones grow up to be other things or to teach the big ones how to go out and help others. And here I am sitting behind a desk picking out books for kids who mostly could care less. And right now, I can't even do that. I helped DS as best I could to get through school and despite that he is succeeding now. I was too intimidated by conflict and never really helped him the way he needed. Or maybe BH was right and I should have let things go and he would have been better off. I just can't find anything redeeming about who I am now. I can't even focus on anything long enough-not even to pray. A trip to the church proved that true. And once again I am left out on my own with nowhere to turn. I know I can call for help, but maybe I don't want to. I know what happens when I do and I am not sure anything else can help me. I just want to stop thinking for a while. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe all I need to do is sleep all night tonight.

Thank you

All the other times I have left a program, whether in-patient or out, I have tried to forget the people I was in with, but this time I think I need a different approach. The people I was with this time made a real impression on me. They have been given hard times and yet are trying to get better not only for themselves, but also for their families. They have shown that they care for me and I think maybe I need to work hard to live up to their expectations. These people who have only known me for a week have shown me incredible caring and thoughts and I feel that I need to put as much effort into my recovery as they are putting into theirs.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Everything got lost! Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

I just heard the National Geographic opening theme for the first time in about 30 years. It drew back to my childhood and the special nights when we were able to get the TV channel that had the National Geographic on it. Kind of weird happening on Thanksgiving eve. Tomorrow morning DS and I will go to my sister's house to cook the turkey. Though it was supposed to be at our house, it is too small and my family knew that I would never be able to get things ready. I really should appreciate their support more than I do. I just dread that moment tomorrow when we give thanks, and everyone gets a bit choked up. It is a reminder of how much I pain I have caused my family. It always bothers me when I discover that something I have said sounds so lame compared with things others are going through. After I commented about this, one of the other patients explained in another section how her mother, who cannot handle that her daughter is lesbian or that her daughter has a mental illness, told her to f*** off and hopes that she dies. How can my own hangups be compared to that. She would probably do anything to get any kind of positive response from her family. I feel so awful about the whole day. All I really want to do now is scrap the whole family thing and have these women, who may have been responsible for their situation, but are now getting help, for a Thanksgiving dinner they wouldn't forget. My mother of course, let me know that this thought was ridiculous to even suggest. My mother seems to be getting very cynical. My sister's friend has come down with pancreatitis and is in the hospital. My mom wanted to make sure she didn't have some kind of bug we were all going to catch, which is, in itself, a ridiculous thought. I am trying to be patient with this, but apparently am not.

I am also a bit peeved with one of the other parishioners. She had asked me to help her with a church history. I responded by telling her I was not currently able to do this. She sent the following in a email to the entire parish:

I have the history of St ***'s on disc and printed for editing.  I need to
prepare it for printing and wondered if you know anyone who could help me, I
am not a writer and don't how to complete this project.  I have sent an
email to *****, who I understand has the ability to do this but may
not be able to at this time.  So, I am looking for anyone who might help me.
I am willing to do the typing if I have guidance.  If it could be done
nicely it might become a little money maker for ST ***'s and it would be
something to be proud of for all of us.

What do you think?  And, where should I start?  If I  h ear from **** I
will let you know but in the meantime if you would think about this project
and maybe lead me to someone talented in writing.

We will be at a daughter's in **** for Thanksgiving with about   15
around the table, good to catch up with all the younguns.  How about your
Thanksgiving plans?  Hope you will be with family and familiar traditions,
Happy Thanksgiving.  ****

We have had trouble with the same person writing other things that contained inappropriate things about our former priest. I don't know if she realizes what she's doing or not, but she makes it sound like I am just choosing not to do it. I am still trying to decide how to respond. Not everyone in the parish knows that I am ill and not in the best position to do anything. I feel like it forces me to let people know. What do I do?

Right now I don't know how I am going to handle doing the program and work and go Christmas shopping. I just feel so out of it.

I just had a great conversation with H. He wanted to see how things were going and let me know they have kept me in their thoughts and prayers. This was a great mood booster, so now I am going to say goodnight while I feel this way.

Back to the hosptital

I went back to the hospital on Friday, November 5th and got out last Wednesday, November 17. I have gone to the outpatient program on Thursday and Friday of last week, yesterday, today and will attend on Friday as well. I am set up for an interview on Monday with a intensive DBT program that runs 3 days a week for 8 weeks. The program, Dialectal Behavior Therapy is a cognitive therapy program set up especially for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am not feeling very stable this time and am concerned about what will happen since I will run out of sick days in December. I am very concerned about my job, though I guess I shouldn't be, though the new principal will have little to base her opinion on about the program, when it has "run" without out me for so long. I am just feeling so tense about everything, and I don't know if it is because I am having trouble even keeping track of what day it is or what the date is and have lost all that grounded for so long.

I am also trying to work out a couple of relationship things. My mother did this thing to me when I went back into the hospital. I didn't give her written permission to get any information about me, so she only came to visit me once, the night I called her because of this. I have begun to see how some things with our family are warped. My mother has always kept a list of people with whom she exchanges cards, "exchanges" being the key word. She keeps track of who she gets cards from and if she does not receive a card for 3 years in a row she stops sending them one. This has been passed on to at least one sister. But I have changed my view and decided Christmas cards should be to let people know we are thinking about them and there should be no quota.

For quite a while my therapist has brought all sessions around to what is happening with Garrett and what I should or shouldn't do about it. Even when I have tried to bring new things up, this has continued. When I was in the hospital in October, I shared this with my Psych Dr. He has urged me to reconsidered this and whether or not I need to find another therapist. I met with her yesterday morning and while she actually discussed what was going on and why this has all happened, I did not feel good about our meeting. She did make me realize that I feel not only abandoned by our former priest, but also that she used me. We also discussed that I have done all sorts of stuff and that my feelings are no different than other peoples, but that I need new coping skills. I guess I'm a bit lost because I thought that is what we have been doing, but when I really consider it, she has just been telling me how I should feel about things. I almost feel like she has been checking out the last couple of years and getting ready for retirement. I don't really know what to do, but wait until next Monday when I see her. I feel like if I leave her, I am doing wrong by her and all she has been through with me.

I just feel completely overwhelmed by all of it and regular life. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I also have to add my journal to this blog, but it is still too fresh to do. Maybe in the new year.

AHA!!!

I just had a very profound (not kidding) thought. The sister with whom I have trouble is also the only one who really has ever held me accountable. Everyone else has always excused my forgetfulness about birthdays, anniversaries, etc. She called me today to thank me for the anniversary gift. I, of course, had not called her last night to wish her a Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary. I actually had planned on calling, but my mom said that they were out to dinner and I fell asleep. She has never actually told me off, but I know she gets her digs in a passive-aggressive way. She still can be a bitch, but maybe I will try to be more attentive to things in the future. As I just said today, DS is 18 and must learn to compensate for his problems. Hell, I am 46 and still have let this slide by, I am ashamed to say. Wake up and smell the coffee!