Christmas Holiday

The holidays are over and things went ok. Though I had a couple of moments of panic, I was fairly calm. I have decided that as we go through next year, I will give everyone a birthday and Christmas gift. We had a blizzard yesterday, that wasn't really a blizzard for this part of the state. We did get some pretty high winds, enough to tip over the basketball hoop, the first time ever. I need to go show Mom how to use her netbook that we gave her. I still am not sure when I will go back to work, but it will be soon.

I am so stupid!

"In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient's feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist" I somehow thought I was too intelligent to fall for this, but I really know now that I have fallen for this more than once. And now I have followed this whole line to a horrible conclusion for myself. I even thought that there might be some reciprocation of feelings, they even describe it in the same place as the above "Countertransference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a patient, or more generally, as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a patient." So my fantasies might have some grounding in reality. But then I started looking at things. Why would a man with almost 30 years experience, a great job, a good small private practice, a beautiful, smart wife who has her own career in the medical field, a couple of great kids, risk anything for me? I have a career as a high school librarian who doesn't do anything to help others and currently can't even keep her house clean. I can't even consider anything. I don't know what I am going to do. What am I going to do?

I should explain. I was supposed to be doing something else. I was supposed to be teaching kids, little ones or big ones. Either helping the little ones grow up to be other things or to teach the big ones how to go out and help others. And here I am sitting behind a desk picking out books for kids who mostly could care less. And right now, I can't even do that. I helped DS as best I could to get through school and despite that he is succeeding now. I was too intimidated by conflict and never really helped him the way he needed. Or maybe BH was right and I should have let things go and he would have been better off. I just can't find anything redeeming about who I am now. I can't even focus on anything long enough-not even to pray. A trip to the church proved that true. And once again I am left out on my own with nowhere to turn. I know I can call for help, but maybe I don't want to. I know what happens when I do and I am not sure anything else can help me. I just want to stop thinking for a while. Maybe when I wake up things will be different. Maybe all I need to do is sleep all night tonight.

Thank you

All the other times I have left a program, whether in-patient or out, I have tried to forget the people I was in with, but this time I think I need a different approach. The people I was with this time made a real impression on me. They have been given hard times and yet are trying to get better not only for themselves, but also for their families. They have shown that they care for me and I think maybe I need to work hard to live up to their expectations. These people who have only known me for a week have shown me incredible caring and thoughts and I feel that I need to put as much effort into my recovery as they are putting into theirs.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Everything got lost! Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

I just heard the National Geographic opening theme for the first time in about 30 years. It drew back to my childhood and the special nights when we were able to get the TV channel that had the National Geographic on it. Kind of weird happening on Thanksgiving eve. Tomorrow morning DS and I will go to my sister's house to cook the turkey. Though it was supposed to be at our house, it is too small and my family knew that I would never be able to get things ready. I really should appreciate their support more than I do. I just dread that moment tomorrow when we give thanks, and everyone gets a bit choked up. It is a reminder of how much I pain I have caused my family. It always bothers me when I discover that something I have said sounds so lame compared with things others are going through. After I commented about this, one of the other patients explained in another section how her mother, who cannot handle that her daughter is lesbian or that her daughter has a mental illness, told her to f*** off and hopes that she dies. How can my own hangups be compared to that. She would probably do anything to get any kind of positive response from her family. I feel so awful about the whole day. All I really want to do now is scrap the whole family thing and have these women, who may have been responsible for their situation, but are now getting help, for a Thanksgiving dinner they wouldn't forget. My mother of course, let me know that this thought was ridiculous to even suggest. My mother seems to be getting very cynical. My sister's friend has come down with pancreatitis and is in the hospital. My mom wanted to make sure she didn't have some kind of bug we were all going to catch, which is, in itself, a ridiculous thought. I am trying to be patient with this, but apparently am not.

I am also a bit peeved with one of the other parishioners. She had asked me to help her with a church history. I responded by telling her I was not currently able to do this. She sent the following in a email to the entire parish:

I have the history of St ***'s on disc and printed for editing.  I need to
prepare it for printing and wondered if you know anyone who could help me, I
am not a writer and don't how to complete this project.  I have sent an
email to *****, who I understand has the ability to do this but may
not be able to at this time.  So, I am looking for anyone who might help me.
I am willing to do the typing if I have guidance.  If it could be done
nicely it might become a little money maker for ST ***'s and it would be
something to be proud of for all of us.

What do you think?  And, where should I start?  If I  h ear from **** I
will let you know but in the meantime if you would think about this project
and maybe lead me to someone talented in writing.

We will be at a daughter's in **** for Thanksgiving with about   15
around the table, good to catch up with all the younguns.  How about your
Thanksgiving plans?  Hope you will be with family and familiar traditions,
Happy Thanksgiving.  ****

We have had trouble with the same person writing other things that contained inappropriate things about our former priest. I don't know if she realizes what she's doing or not, but she makes it sound like I am just choosing not to do it. I am still trying to decide how to respond. Not everyone in the parish knows that I am ill and not in the best position to do anything. I feel like it forces me to let people know. What do I do?

Right now I don't know how I am going to handle doing the program and work and go Christmas shopping. I just feel so out of it.

I just had a great conversation with H. He wanted to see how things were going and let me know they have kept me in their thoughts and prayers. This was a great mood booster, so now I am going to say goodnight while I feel this way.

Back to the hosptital

I went back to the hospital on Friday, November 5th and got out last Wednesday, November 17. I have gone to the outpatient program on Thursday and Friday of last week, yesterday, today and will attend on Friday as well. I am set up for an interview on Monday with a intensive DBT program that runs 3 days a week for 8 weeks. The program, Dialectal Behavior Therapy is a cognitive therapy program set up especially for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am not feeling very stable this time and am concerned about what will happen since I will run out of sick days in December. I am very concerned about my job, though I guess I shouldn't be, though the new principal will have little to base her opinion on about the program, when it has "run" without out me for so long. I am just feeling so tense about everything, and I don't know if it is because I am having trouble even keeping track of what day it is or what the date is and have lost all that grounded for so long.

I am also trying to work out a couple of relationship things. My mother did this thing to me when I went back into the hospital. I didn't give her written permission to get any information about me, so she only came to visit me once, the night I called her because of this. I have begun to see how some things with our family are warped. My mother has always kept a list of people with whom she exchanges cards, "exchanges" being the key word. She keeps track of who she gets cards from and if she does not receive a card for 3 years in a row she stops sending them one. This has been passed on to at least one sister. But I have changed my view and decided Christmas cards should be to let people know we are thinking about them and there should be no quota.

For quite a while my therapist has brought all sessions around to what is happening with Garrett and what I should or shouldn't do about it. Even when I have tried to bring new things up, this has continued. When I was in the hospital in October, I shared this with my Psych Dr. He has urged me to reconsidered this and whether or not I need to find another therapist. I met with her yesterday morning and while she actually discussed what was going on and why this has all happened, I did not feel good about our meeting. She did make me realize that I feel not only abandoned by our former priest, but also that she used me. We also discussed that I have done all sorts of stuff and that my feelings are no different than other peoples, but that I need new coping skills. I guess I'm a bit lost because I thought that is what we have been doing, but when I really consider it, she has just been telling me how I should feel about things. I almost feel like she has been checking out the last couple of years and getting ready for retirement. I don't really know what to do, but wait until next Monday when I see her. I feel like if I leave her, I am doing wrong by her and all she has been through with me.

I just feel completely overwhelmed by all of it and regular life. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I also have to add my journal to this blog, but it is still too fresh to do. Maybe in the new year.

AHA!!!

I just had a very profound (not kidding) thought. The sister with whom I have trouble is also the only one who really has ever held me accountable. Everyone else has always excused my forgetfulness about birthdays, anniversaries, etc. She called me today to thank me for the anniversary gift. I, of course, had not called her last night to wish her a Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary. I actually had planned on calling, but my mom said that they were out to dinner and I fell asleep. She has never actually told me off, but I know she gets her digs in a passive-aggressive way. She still can be a bitch, but maybe I will try to be more attentive to things in the future. As I just said today, DS is 18 and must learn to compensate for his problems. Hell, I am 46 and still have let this slide by, I am ashamed to say. Wake up and smell the coffee!

Hard day

Today was a hard day at OP.  I actually had some people give me feedback, some of which made sense. One of the other woman did understand that when I am thinking of hurting myself I had to remember how this would really happen to DS and BH. Then I got blown away by one of the women who just had her parole or probation revoked because of a DUI charge that happened when she was already facing another charge. She will turn herself in tomorrow, and is worried that she will be sent to prison. She has a 4 1/2-year-old boy and is trying to get her life in order. When we had to do goals, it was hard for me to do because my goals were to make a good cooked meal for Peter, to start one conversation, and to distract myself when I think of cutting or suicide by thinking of what to do in my garden next year. It seemed so trite after the woman on probation, that I found it physically found it difficult to voice my goals. That was the end of the day for me. I went to find a coat (which was fruitless.) I have been arguing since then with myself about the situation. I have an actual disease, that regardless of my family and finances, which affects my health and safety. We have both made decisions that have gotten each of us to where we are. We may had a different background, but at some point we became adults with choices to make. On the other hand, was her background so bad that it was impossible for her to break away from? As I have no one to answer that question for me, I will probably continue to argue back and forth with myself until tomorrow. Of course I want the answer to come out on my side so that I feel better about myself and not so stupid about my situation.
I exercised again today. I did a few more minutes than I did yesterday. According to the program I have lost a half pound since yesterday. I don't know how accurate it is, but it is encouraging. If I keep losing and not putting back on, then I have achieved what I set out to do. At least I felt a little stronger today (still need to work on those push-ups) and it makes me think of how I am walking, sitting, and standing with better posture. I did find a new pair of shoes to replace my old ones that the stitching is coming apart on. This pair does have a heel but they are comfortable. Anyway, enough small talk, I need to get some knitting done.

Weird Feelings

Several times today I have had the weirdest feeling. Kind of like butterflies in my stomach then moving upward and downward into my chest and my genitals (such a stiff word, but I can't think of another that is suitable and/or that I would use.) I am not getting hot and bothered, except for the fact the sensation exists at all. Other than that it was an OK day. Went to the OP groups. Didn't get a chance to talk, but maybe tomorrow. I just let them know I won't be in to work this week. I am ready to be back, but not entirely. I still am not entirely safe yet. This feeling is just too weird, I'll try knitting some more.

Anxiety level is pretty high tonight. Fleeting (more than a second or two) about hurting myself. However, I am going to take DS back to his room tonight so I will not be alone while they are gone. Feeling a bit edgy about work and needing to go back but still need to go to OP (outpatient program.) Wish there was someway to do both. I definitely need to do the program, because of times like tonight, but I am wondering what is happening at work. Watched a couple of horror movies, pretty tame stuff, though Fourth Kind was decent. Had my own weird dream last night. As bizarre as it sounds, it somehow comforted me. I was someplace in a warm area with warm water. We went swimming and an Orca beached itself. We took it someplace to try and heal it, but the others wanted to use sterile gear. I just took mine off and said that real skin would help. It took all the mold off. As the Orca healed it watched American TV and when we went to release it it turned itself into a TV monitor and spewed back all the garbage it had seen. The people there for the release were getting upset, so I caught it and convinced it to change again, this time it chose a deep pink flower and then dissolved into an Orca again. Then we (DS and me) went out to the bay. We had a special camera that showed things underwater and how they were shaped. We saw a couple of things that looked like sharks and a baby Beluga, but turned out to be trash. Unfortunately I woke up too early and missed any more. I think I have been watching too many animal documentaries. Watched one yesterday about using sonar to find giant anacondas and a commercial about freeing an Orca after a bachelor party. Got to go.

The first weekend

I started at the outpatient program on Friday. I only went to one group because of signing papers, giving info, etc. The group seems good, but a lot with substance abuse. I realize because we live in an area of small towns, there are probably few programs that cater to just psych cases. There is plenty of overlap, especially with addictive behavior, but it can be hard to talk about things that make you sound really crazy because you cut or scratched yourself or o'd when you were completely sober. But I just have to realize that in order for this to possibly stick and work for more than a couple of years I need to tell all. I will probably never see these people again, yet they may be the source of  a wisdom only afforded by people in a similar state.
I had some flutters when going by the hospital and every time I think of being in the hospital, I have to reinforce that I am ok out here. Only fleeting instances of thoughts of cutting, mainly because I know better that I have to distract myself quickly before they get to to be too much. Spent the day doing some work around the house, now I am knitting a hat for my mother for Christmas and have the TV on because it is really easy knitting and not enough of a distraction. Back to knitting.

Back home again

Things started unraveling even before that last post, I just didn't realize it. Went to Psych hospital on the 12th and just got back today. Somehow it seems like those two weeks didn't even happen, but it did and I will be putting my journal on the blog soon. I actually lost the journal for the first couple of days. A MHW was being nice and moved my stuff to a new room and it got lost along the way. It was very upsetting because I don't recall all the time and my journal is my constant companion. I record what actually happens, then I can return to them and have a different perspective once the time has actually passed.

What do I do?

I am not necessarily a conceited person (though with BPD I do realize that everything DOES revolve around me) but I am still unsure of why this happens or what I am supposed to do about it. When I picked up my prescriptions, when the pharmacist was handing my change to me, he held my hand, then released it with the money. I have found that throughout my teen and adult life, I have had unexpected "advances" from different men. Beginning when I was in my teens and the assistant manager where I worked told me he was getting a divorce from his wife and we began seeing one another. Of course he wasn't and I was devastated when I found out. This type of things has continued over the years. The professor who wanted to take me on a trip to the Caribbean, the professional man who always found some reason to touch me, every time we were in the same place, the men who have put their arms around my waist.  While it is flattering, I get so confused by it, I don't know what to do or how I should really feel about it.  And I have no one to ask about this. Even if N. where still here, I don't think I could ask her about this. Just one more confusing, addled thing to think about.