Val,
You were truly a good person. Your fellow teachers respected and liked you. You had a connection with your students that is not often seen. I am glad that your pain and suffering are gone, but without you there is one fewer light shining. I pray that God may allow you to support and guide your children as they grow. We were honored to know you and work with and I can only hope that somewhere in my soul a small part of you remains to give the strength and dignity you had. Thank you.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Nights are always the difficult time. After having spent so many years as an insomniac and with the horrible nightmares when I did sleep, I am afraid to not fall asleep. I tried an experiment for the last three weeks by cutting the amount of Klonopin from 1mg to 1/2 mg, then to none. After three weeks not sleeping and having nightmares I gave up. When I went to see Dr. S. we decided we would cut the Paxil in half to 10 mg. So far no anxiety or panic attacks and I am still able to lay still (since I never actually sat still until 4 years ago, this is an important thing for me. But even though my body is quiet, my mind is racing. After seeing how it felt to not be thinking and speaking at 78 RPM, it is hard to go back there. I am tempted to take extra Klonopin to help me sleep.
I cannot decide whether I want to see behind the door of my dreams (nightmares.) The door to the room which makes me wake up screaming in a cold sweat or wakes me with the idea there is someone in our bedroom. I think sometimes I would be better if I knew what was behind there, but then I wonder because the thought of the room is so terrifying. Even during the day thoughts of it make my stomach turn and my heartbeat faster. Lately my dreams have been about being captured by other people and/or other creatures that look like humans. I try to escape and wake up in a cold sweat. All I want to do is go to sleep and not remember any of what I dreamt, good or bad.
The house, the room, the door
Always on the second floor, often in the attic
Once in the house I know it's there
Trying to avoid it, my path always leads to it.
What is behind the door?
Some memory of unspeakable things done to me?
The knowledge of witnessing a terrible event?
An incident that only a small child would find terrifying, that the child within me still fears?
The house, the room, the door,
Always on the second floor.
I cannot decide whether I want to see behind the door of my dreams (nightmares.) The door to the room which makes me wake up screaming in a cold sweat or wakes me with the idea there is someone in our bedroom. I think sometimes I would be better if I knew what was behind there, but then I wonder because the thought of the room is so terrifying. Even during the day thoughts of it make my stomach turn and my heartbeat faster. Lately my dreams have been about being captured by other people and/or other creatures that look like humans. I try to escape and wake up in a cold sweat. All I want to do is go to sleep and not remember any of what I dreamt, good or bad.
The house, the room, the door
Always on the second floor, often in the attic
Once in the house I know it's there
Trying to avoid it, my path always leads to it.
What is behind the door?
Some memory of unspeakable things done to me?
The knowledge of witnessing a terrible event?
An incident that only a small child would find terrifying, that the child within me still fears?
The house, the room, the door,
Always on the second floor.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
I just got back from watching I, Robot. It was fantastic! The special effects were great, the actors fit the roles well and the storyline itself was great. It brought up a lot of issues for discussion-racism, what makes an individual an individual, do emotions equate to life, what does make humans human? The kids thought it was great too. I would definitely this movie to anyone.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Another good day! We cleaned the garage, I cooked a unique dinner when our grill died. It came out pretty good. Leftovers tomorrow night. I also reconciled the checking accounts, one of the last items to do after the pocketbook theft. Last week I left my pocketbook in the back of my car for no more than three minutes in the middle of the day at a store with lots of people around and they smashed my window and took my purse. Wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't had my palm in it with SplashId on it with no password because I was still working on it. So even though I keep no money and no credit cards in there, I still had to change everything. Oh well. Live and learn. My uncle recently died and I wrote this thank you to him.
Uncle,
I would like to thank you for all the things you taught me:
How to grow old gracefully and how to keep young by always trying new things.
How to always be a gentleman (woman) even when dealing with those who were not nearly as polite.
How to be kind and caring for the creatures God put on this earth as our companions, even when they might not be so gentle.
How to realize that I was capable of doing anything I put my mind to, as long as I was willing to take a risk.
How to tell a good story and how to listen to one told by a teller far less gifted.
How to maintain your dignity even when you lose a good engine and everyone is saying “I told you so!”
How to share your home and life so others could enjoy them as much as you.
How to love and teach children, no matter how many there were, even when none were “yours.”
Uncle,
I would like to thank you for all the things you taught me:
How to grow old gracefully and how to keep young by always trying new things.
How to always be a gentleman (woman) even when dealing with those who were not nearly as polite.
How to be kind and caring for the creatures God put on this earth as our companions, even when they might not be so gentle.
How to realize that I was capable of doing anything I put my mind to, as long as I was willing to take a risk.
How to tell a good story and how to listen to one told by a teller far less gifted.
How to maintain your dignity even when you lose a good engine and everyone is saying “I told you so!”
How to share your home and life so others could enjoy them as much as you.
How to love and teach children, no matter how many there were, even when none were “yours.”
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Today was a great day! The weather was warm and breezy, BH was away at a muster, DS was at Boy Scouts.
I did three loads of laundry
The dishes
Clean, dusted, and vacuumed my entire office
Got all my paperwork in order.
I have now cut down on the Klonopin from 1mg to 0.5mg for one week. There have been difficult dreams/nightmares every night and I am not sure if it is related to the medication. I really have enjoyed a couple of months with no nightmares. I'll keep trying a bit and see how it goes.
I did three loads of laundry
The dishes
Clean, dusted, and vacuumed my entire office
Got all my paperwork in order.
I have now cut down on the Klonopin from 1mg to 0.5mg for one week. There have been difficult dreams/nightmares every night and I am not sure if it is related to the medication. I really have enjoyed a couple of months with no nightmares. I'll keep trying a bit and see how it goes.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Pysch, Part X
I ended my journal 4 years ago because my life was turned upside down when I learned that our landlord was selling the house we rented and we had to find a house and move within three weeks. BH. was unable to help since he was on active duty during the move, so basically my parents and T. and S. helped me. By the end of the summer things were getting under control and I had gotten out of the habit of journaling and didn't pick it up again until now. It has now been almost a year and half since I cut. This was a major triumph for me. I still go at least monthly to see a therapist (more often when things get rough-one of my older sisters had breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, one of my uncles fell into complete dementia and passed away two weeks ago, DS's spring at school was a total disaster between trying to find meds that worked as well as the Ritalin did, but wouldn't make him lose weight, and the budget crisis at work). I have been able to get a better view of life in general and I can deal with everyday upsets in a mostly calm and less insane way. While I still take five different meds-Seroquel, Klonopin, Paxil, Pamelor, and Strattera-I am starting to cut back on some of them slowly because I feel that I actually can do this.
After having read my journal I realize that it sounds like I am all doped up all the time. I am less hyper but just as active as I was before I was hospitalized. DS is now 12 and very active in sports and friends, I still work full-time, I work with the youth at our church, serve on the vestry, and have just completed 30 credit hours, which will either become a Sixth year Certificate in education or will be rolled into a PhD. program. I was always one of those parents who said that my child would never be on medication for his ADHD. After experiencing the difference the right medication can make, I have fought hard to get DS treated. I don't want him to end up in the same place I was four years ago.
I hide my mental illness less than I used to. I believe that there are few people out there who realize just how many people they know who have a mental illness they hide. These are people from all walks of life who rely on medication to keep the chemical balance in their brains. That is possibly one of the biggest pet peeves I have-a mental illness is like diabetes, which is also a chemical imbalance-and people need to realize this and not believe it is all made up or for attention. I lived for 30 years with horrible nightmares on sometimes a daily basis without ever telling anyone because I thought it was normal. I also have hidden my self-mutilation as best I could.
The only other thing I have to say is that my belief in God has grown stronger over the past few years. Four years ago I went to church on a Wednesday night for a healing service. I had my suicide planned for the following Tuesday. I spent nearly three hours in church crying and begging God for help, but I thought I was asking to help me commit suicide. The next day, Thursday, I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist and was admitted immediately after that. At the time I was angry because my prayers were not answered. I now realize God did answer my prayer and that is why I am still here today, enjoying my family and working hard to maintain my health as it is. Whatever you may call that being-(s)he is there!
I strongly believe that when we get things easily we don't fully appreciate them. The following Muslim poem sums it up for me:
I asked for Strength...
and Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom...
and Allah gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...
and Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage...
and Allah gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...
and Allah gave me Troubled People to help.
I asked for Favours...
and Allah gave me Opportunities
I received nothing I wanted, Yet, I received everything I needed.
My Prayere has been answered.
I ended my journal 4 years ago because my life was turned upside down when I learned that our landlord was selling the house we rented and we had to find a house and move within three weeks. BH. was unable to help since he was on active duty during the move, so basically my parents and T. and S. helped me. By the end of the summer things were getting under control and I had gotten out of the habit of journaling and didn't pick it up again until now. It has now been almost a year and half since I cut. This was a major triumph for me. I still go at least monthly to see a therapist (more often when things get rough-one of my older sisters had breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, one of my uncles fell into complete dementia and passed away two weeks ago, DS's spring at school was a total disaster between trying to find meds that worked as well as the Ritalin did, but wouldn't make him lose weight, and the budget crisis at work). I have been able to get a better view of life in general and I can deal with everyday upsets in a mostly calm and less insane way. While I still take five different meds-Seroquel, Klonopin, Paxil, Pamelor, and Strattera-I am starting to cut back on some of them slowly because I feel that I actually can do this.
After having read my journal I realize that it sounds like I am all doped up all the time. I am less hyper but just as active as I was before I was hospitalized. DS is now 12 and very active in sports and friends, I still work full-time, I work with the youth at our church, serve on the vestry, and have just completed 30 credit hours, which will either become a Sixth year Certificate in education or will be rolled into a PhD. program. I was always one of those parents who said that my child would never be on medication for his ADHD. After experiencing the difference the right medication can make, I have fought hard to get DS treated. I don't want him to end up in the same place I was four years ago.
I hide my mental illness less than I used to. I believe that there are few people out there who realize just how many people they know who have a mental illness they hide. These are people from all walks of life who rely on medication to keep the chemical balance in their brains. That is possibly one of the biggest pet peeves I have-a mental illness is like diabetes, which is also a chemical imbalance-and people need to realize this and not believe it is all made up or for attention. I lived for 30 years with horrible nightmares on sometimes a daily basis without ever telling anyone because I thought it was normal. I also have hidden my self-mutilation as best I could.
The only other thing I have to say is that my belief in God has grown stronger over the past few years. Four years ago I went to church on a Wednesday night for a healing service. I had my suicide planned for the following Tuesday. I spent nearly three hours in church crying and begging God for help, but I thought I was asking to help me commit suicide. The next day, Thursday, I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist and was admitted immediately after that. At the time I was angry because my prayers were not answered. I now realize God did answer my prayer and that is why I am still here today, enjoying my family and working hard to maintain my health as it is. Whatever you may call that being-(s)he is there!
I strongly believe that when we get things easily we don't fully appreciate them. The following Muslim poem sums it up for me:
I asked for Strength...
and Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom...
and Allah gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...
and Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage...
and Allah gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...
and Allah gave me Troubled People to help.
I asked for Favours...
and Allah gave me Opportunities
I received nothing I wanted, Yet, I received everything I needed.
My Prayere has been answered.
Psych, Part IX
Thursday, May 25th, 2000
The last week has had its ups and downs. I felt really bad yesterday afternoon but I took an extra Seroquel and then slept and I got through it. S. and Dr. P. both say that it will be hard getting through this but I have to go through it to get better. I feel ok or good more than I did for the past couple of months, but when I feel bad it is still really bad. Work has been good because I (we) have been working to get all the books rebarcoded so it will make inventory easier and I have to concentrate on that, but when I get out of work I think about things and my mind starts thinking about all the things I need to do and how I won't have enough time to do them. I also get angry and upset about the way I am feeling. People tell me it will get better buth they haven't been through it and I wonder how many people don't actually get through it. I have now put on 8 lbs-almost all in my belly. I thought I wouldn't mind but I do. My hips and thighs are also "looser" than they were. It's not bad enough that I have to feel bad, then middle age starts to kick in. This weekend will be the first time I will be with alot of my family-it will be interesting to see what happens. Most of the time I am ok with babies but I still get some pangs when I think about it.
Tuesday, May 30, 2000
As I am watching this show, I'm having alot of different feelings. I am angry because the show has been on and people might know what I have done. People who try to kill themselves or who hurt themselves are crazY! They make it look so romantic but it's not. She talked about her mother doing things and buying things but only trying to be a good mom and I think thta is probably how I am. I also understand about the control-when I don't have razors or pills I feel like I have no control, but when I have them it is my decision. I also know that in the movie everything will turn out all right and I don't know if it will for me. My family has been good about making me not feel guilty about how I have made them fell but I still feel bad. And when I think aobut what made me like this and think it might have something to do with Memere it makes me feel worse. I have felt better for the past week but today (tonight) I have felt really bad. I probably shouldn't be watching this but I have to because I keep thinking it will help me somehow but maybe it will only make things worse. It says that the medicine will not give her side effects which isn't true. She seems so wimpy, I wonder if that is what I'm like-I guess I probably am. The movie said that self-injury can cause psychological damage but I though it was a symptom not a cause?
Thursday, May 25th, 2000
The last week has had its ups and downs. I felt really bad yesterday afternoon but I took an extra Seroquel and then slept and I got through it. S. and Dr. P. both say that it will be hard getting through this but I have to go through it to get better. I feel ok or good more than I did for the past couple of months, but when I feel bad it is still really bad. Work has been good because I (we) have been working to get all the books rebarcoded so it will make inventory easier and I have to concentrate on that, but when I get out of work I think about things and my mind starts thinking about all the things I need to do and how I won't have enough time to do them. I also get angry and upset about the way I am feeling. People tell me it will get better buth they haven't been through it and I wonder how many people don't actually get through it. I have now put on 8 lbs-almost all in my belly. I thought I wouldn't mind but I do. My hips and thighs are also "looser" than they were. It's not bad enough that I have to feel bad, then middle age starts to kick in. This weekend will be the first time I will be with alot of my family-it will be interesting to see what happens. Most of the time I am ok with babies but I still get some pangs when I think about it.
Tuesday, May 30, 2000
As I am watching this show, I'm having alot of different feelings. I am angry because the show has been on and people might know what I have done. People who try to kill themselves or who hurt themselves are crazY! They make it look so romantic but it's not. She talked about her mother doing things and buying things but only trying to be a good mom and I think thta is probably how I am. I also understand about the control-when I don't have razors or pills I feel like I have no control, but when I have them it is my decision. I also know that in the movie everything will turn out all right and I don't know if it will for me. My family has been good about making me not feel guilty about how I have made them fell but I still feel bad. And when I think aobut what made me like this and think it might have something to do with Memere it makes me feel worse. I have felt better for the past week but today (tonight) I have felt really bad. I probably shouldn't be watching this but I have to because I keep thinking it will help me somehow but maybe it will only make things worse. It says that the medicine will not give her side effects which isn't true. She seems so wimpy, I wonder if that is what I'm like-I guess I probably am. The movie said that self-injury can cause psychological damage but I though it was a symptom not a cause?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Psych, Part VIII
Monday, May 1st
The weekend went well. I felt good and was able to do some studying and yard work. On Friday I talked to S. about some things that had been bothering me and I felt better having told her. She wants me to write down when I have irrational thoughts. I am also supposed to write down how I feel if I cut myself. Today has been a little distressing. One of "our parents" died last week and the funeral was today. Many students and teachers attended. It bothered me hearing about it. I was bothered when C. and S. were talking about alcholics they knew. I made all tense inside. Since I had little interaction with anyone things went ok, thought Saturday morning I did condsider the Ativan but chickened out. I only had an urge to cut once when I was at my parents' house. Something about being there on a spring day bothered me.
Friday night we went to a dance at [elementary school]. I had a short-sleeved shirt and worried that people would see my wrist but noone seemed to notice. BH and I had a good time dancing.
Saturday, May 6
On the whole I felt really good this week and was able to get a lot done. I decided I will be doing my presentation next Wednesday. I also got a lot of weeding done at school. However things got tougher on Thursday and Friday and I cut myself with a razor on Friday afternoon.
We had been out every night doing one or another and on Thursday I took the day off to take DS to see N. Then I cleaned the first floor, went shopping and did some gardening. then we had the group over for a BBQ. By 8:30 I was really tired. but instead of sleeping well I had a terrible nightmare all night. I don't remember all. In one I went to go outside and it was sunny and in a forest but it was very white foggy and something in the fog was terrifying. the other dream involved me being in the hospital again. But it wasn't Natchaug. There was something about some kind of killer but that was ok. At one point I saw a dismembered body and that was ok, but the second time I woke up screaming. The women's head and arms were on a stove like the old one we had. Her arms were placed on the correct side palms up and her head was near the front edge facing the back of the stove so her very long blond braid could fall to the floor. In another place was her torso and legs (still attached) but there were 5 cuts going diagonally across her torso. I didn't sleep much after that. Yesterday was busy, I didn't feel well and it started getting really hot, then I had a dispute with a teacher. by the time I got home I was too uupset and I took a disposable razor apart and cut myself five times. The first four were not deep enough. Then last night when I tried to go to sleep-the image of the woman's head kept coming back and then it started turning to say something and the eyes were white. A couple of times it changed tto someone else's head including Dr. S'. and DS's. Thinking about it today still gives me chills and makes me jumpy. I did finally get to sleep and don't remember my dreams.
Wednesday, May 17
I haven't written in a long time. I have been feeling ok-not great just kind of here. Lots of people have said I look good, I just wish I felt as good as I look. I have now gained eight lbs and have been out in the sun abit. Last Saturday we were received into the Episcopal Church. It was a very nice ceremony. On Sunday we were recognized in church and received a mass book. It has been very busy at work. I seem to be finding myself frustrated and unable to deal with it. Yesterday I cut myself and while I do not necessarily feel like killing myself. I don't really care. The cuts yesterday were almost not enough and I had very strong urge to slash from my wrist to my elbow or my throat. Then again today things were bad again, but I did not follow through on any thing. I am not sure if I should call the doctor or not. I feel really crazy for having these feelings. I am angry with myself and that only makes things worse.
Monday, May 1st
The weekend went well. I felt good and was able to do some studying and yard work. On Friday I talked to S. about some things that had been bothering me and I felt better having told her. She wants me to write down when I have irrational thoughts. I am also supposed to write down how I feel if I cut myself. Today has been a little distressing. One of "our parents" died last week and the funeral was today. Many students and teachers attended. It bothered me hearing about it. I was bothered when C. and S. were talking about alcholics they knew. I made all tense inside. Since I had little interaction with anyone things went ok, thought Saturday morning I did condsider the Ativan but chickened out. I only had an urge to cut once when I was at my parents' house. Something about being there on a spring day bothered me.
Friday night we went to a dance at [elementary school]. I had a short-sleeved shirt and worried that people would see my wrist but noone seemed to notice. BH and I had a good time dancing.
Saturday, May 6
On the whole I felt really good this week and was able to get a lot done. I decided I will be doing my presentation next Wednesday. I also got a lot of weeding done at school. However things got tougher on Thursday and Friday and I cut myself with a razor on Friday afternoon.
We had been out every night doing one or another and on Thursday I took the day off to take DS to see N. Then I cleaned the first floor, went shopping and did some gardening. then we had the group over for a BBQ. By 8:30 I was really tired. but instead of sleeping well I had a terrible nightmare all night. I don't remember all. In one I went to go outside and it was sunny and in a forest but it was very white foggy and something in the fog was terrifying. the other dream involved me being in the hospital again. But it wasn't Natchaug. There was something about some kind of killer but that was ok. At one point I saw a dismembered body and that was ok, but the second time I woke up screaming. The women's head and arms were on a stove like the old one we had. Her arms were placed on the correct side palms up and her head was near the front edge facing the back of the stove so her very long blond braid could fall to the floor. In another place was her torso and legs (still attached) but there were 5 cuts going diagonally across her torso. I didn't sleep much after that. Yesterday was busy, I didn't feel well and it started getting really hot, then I had a dispute with a teacher. by the time I got home I was too uupset and I took a disposable razor apart and cut myself five times. The first four were not deep enough. Then last night when I tried to go to sleep-the image of the woman's head kept coming back and then it started turning to say something and the eyes were white. A couple of times it changed tto someone else's head including Dr. S'. and DS's. Thinking about it today still gives me chills and makes me jumpy. I did finally get to sleep and don't remember my dreams.
Wednesday, May 17
I haven't written in a long time. I have been feeling ok-not great just kind of here. Lots of people have said I look good, I just wish I felt as good as I look. I have now gained eight lbs and have been out in the sun abit. Last Saturday we were received into the Episcopal Church. It was a very nice ceremony. On Sunday we were recognized in church and received a mass book. It has been very busy at work. I seem to be finding myself frustrated and unable to deal with it. Yesterday I cut myself and while I do not necessarily feel like killing myself. I don't really care. The cuts yesterday were almost not enough and I had very strong urge to slash from my wrist to my elbow or my throat. Then again today things were bad again, but I did not follow through on any thing. I am not sure if I should call the doctor or not. I feel really crazy for having these feelings. I am angry with myself and that only makes things worse.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Psych, Part VII
Sunday, April 16
I am on the second day of new medication. It seems ok though I am really drowsy in the morning and I can feel the medicine as it the level drops. One of them has made my blood pressure lower. I have been moved out of the observation unit and now am in a regular room. That bothered me at first but I am feeling a little better about that now. The room is nice with two sets of drawers, a wardrobe an desk. the view from the window is another part of the building but that is ok. I have been a bit angrier this time because part of me feels like I shouldn't be here because so many of the others are from more difficult backgrounds than I am. Sometimes that makes me feel more guilty.
I suddenly feel like I can't handle anything which definetly not how I have been up until this point in my life. I may not have handled it well-but I always handled it. I need to believe that I can get back to that point and want to get back there. Right now it seems very comfortable being here-having others watch out for me, not having to deal with life and any of its responsibilities and that can't continue. Either I have to get better or I have to kill myself and I think deep down I want the former and just need to be more patient.
Monday, April 17
I am really agitated and angry. One fo the patients has continually disrupted every session today. I did speak up about this but I am not sure whether or not this will be address with him. then I am pretty angry about A's behavior. I realize that she is ill, but then we all are, yet she continually has to have the limelight. She has lots of stuff and makes sure that she offers it to all her buddies. Though I try not to let this bother me it does make me fell left out. Then I just watched her completely ignore another patients' attempts to get to speak to a doctor. I know she's excited about getting out but she's being a real pain.
Well writing and talking to B has calmed me down a bit. The doctor has added one more dose of Seroquel to see if it will take care of my afternoon problems. They have also put me on a special diet to make sure I am getting enough to eat.
The other thing that would probably help would be some constant nice weather. It keeps getting hot and cold and it seems to always be raining.
Tuesday, April 18
I just realized I stopped soing my three things, it got to be too much. It's alot quieter today
because C left. She was very kind and kind of watched out for everyone. I just spoke to the doctor and he said I may be getting out tomorrow. I feel pretty good this morning and feel like I might be ready to go home and take care of things. I need to discuss with P. that I can't go back to "norma" so quickly. He'll need to help me with bills and stuff a little more.
Saturday, April 22
I left the hospital on Wednesday. I am feeling better this time. The medication does not make me quite as drowsy as the other did. I also have (hopefully) more realistic expectations of what things will be like. Last time I expected everything to be back to normal but it didn't happen that way and it won't be that way this time either. Thursday and Friday I didn't do much of anything but bills. Today we cleaned the first floor. It was the first real cleaning I have done in a while.
On Wednesday before I left we had a "women's group." During the session one of the other patients talked about how could she get out of the cycle of being homeless and on the streets. She has been in foster homes since she was 9 or 10 (she's 19 now). She also described how as an 8 yr old she would be terrified if her mother left for work before she was awake. (She had to get herself ready for school.) When she was talking about this I suddenly realized how DS would feel if I were to kill myself. DS had been raised with yelling and that this needs to change.
Monday, April 24th
I spent much of the day at work trying to upgrade software. I felt pretty good today. Not too sleepy or confused. However I went grocery shopping and thought about suicide again. I also didn't do very well-I forgot part of what I was supposed to buy. BH mowed the lawn and I raked it. I was pretty tired after dinner.
Tuesday, April 25th
I have been drowsy and addled today. I have gotten better as the day has progressed but am still not really with it. B. said I looked really good. I only wish I felt as good as I look. I am supposed to choose a psychiatrist today. I hate the thought of doing this. Dr. P. is really nice, but I also see S.'s point about Dr. S. knowing me better. Dr. M. agreed that he is probably a better choice too. I feel like I have been put in a spot.
Sunday, April 16
I am on the second day of new medication. It seems ok though I am really drowsy in the morning and I can feel the medicine as it the level drops. One of them has made my blood pressure lower. I have been moved out of the observation unit and now am in a regular room. That bothered me at first but I am feeling a little better about that now. The room is nice with two sets of drawers, a wardrobe an desk. the view from the window is another part of the building but that is ok. I have been a bit angrier this time because part of me feels like I shouldn't be here because so many of the others are from more difficult backgrounds than I am. Sometimes that makes me feel more guilty.
I suddenly feel like I can't handle anything which definetly not how I have been up until this point in my life. I may not have handled it well-but I always handled it. I need to believe that I can get back to that point and want to get back there. Right now it seems very comfortable being here-having others watch out for me, not having to deal with life and any of its responsibilities and that can't continue. Either I have to get better or I have to kill myself and I think deep down I want the former and just need to be more patient.
Monday, April 17
I am really agitated and angry. One fo the patients has continually disrupted every session today. I did speak up about this but I am not sure whether or not this will be address with him. then I am pretty angry about A's behavior. I realize that she is ill, but then we all are, yet she continually has to have the limelight. She has lots of stuff and makes sure that she offers it to all her buddies. Though I try not to let this bother me it does make me fell left out. Then I just watched her completely ignore another patients' attempts to get to speak to a doctor. I know she's excited about getting out but she's being a real pain.
Well writing and talking to B has calmed me down a bit. The doctor has added one more dose of Seroquel to see if it will take care of my afternoon problems. They have also put me on a special diet to make sure I am getting enough to eat.
The other thing that would probably help would be some constant nice weather. It keeps getting hot and cold and it seems to always be raining.
Tuesday, April 18
I just realized I stopped soing my three things, it got to be too much. It's alot quieter today
because C left. She was very kind and kind of watched out for everyone. I just spoke to the doctor and he said I may be getting out tomorrow. I feel pretty good this morning and feel like I might be ready to go home and take care of things. I need to discuss with P. that I can't go back to "norma" so quickly. He'll need to help me with bills and stuff a little more.
Saturday, April 22
I left the hospital on Wednesday. I am feeling better this time. The medication does not make me quite as drowsy as the other did. I also have (hopefully) more realistic expectations of what things will be like. Last time I expected everything to be back to normal but it didn't happen that way and it won't be that way this time either. Thursday and Friday I didn't do much of anything but bills. Today we cleaned the first floor. It was the first real cleaning I have done in a while.
On Wednesday before I left we had a "women's group." During the session one of the other patients talked about how could she get out of the cycle of being homeless and on the streets. She has been in foster homes since she was 9 or 10 (she's 19 now). She also described how as an 8 yr old she would be terrified if her mother left for work before she was awake. (She had to get herself ready for school.) When she was talking about this I suddenly realized how DS would feel if I were to kill myself. DS had been raised with yelling and that this needs to change.
Monday, April 24th
I spent much of the day at work trying to upgrade software. I felt pretty good today. Not too sleepy or confused. However I went grocery shopping and thought about suicide again. I also didn't do very well-I forgot part of what I was supposed to buy. BH mowed the lawn and I raked it. I was pretty tired after dinner.
Tuesday, April 25th
I have been drowsy and addled today. I have gotten better as the day has progressed but am still not really with it. B. said I looked really good. I only wish I felt as good as I look. I am supposed to choose a psychiatrist today. I hate the thought of doing this. Dr. P. is really nice, but I also see S.'s point about Dr. S. knowing me better. Dr. M. agreed that he is probably a better choice too. I feel like I have been put in a spot.
Psych, Part VI
Tuesday, April 4th
I need to catch up since Friday. When I saw S. she suggested a book to get to read which I picked up last night. I feel a little funny about reading like somehow if I read it I wiil get in on some kind of secret and I won't get better. Saturday we did some cleaning. It was really nice out and while BH and DS ran errands I got a little gardening done and I read two chapters for class. Over the weekend I decided I will accept a place in the Master's program. Saturday night we went to Mom and Dad's for dinner and cake and coffeee. I got some very nice things. Sunday we went out to dinner with my parents and BH.'s bothers and Dad and E. It was very nice. I didn't think I would like it as well as I did. BH. did some very nice things for me this weekend. I just wish I could be better for him.
Yesterday I was very agitated all day. I did get some work done and at home I picked up a bit and did laundry. I also did the grocery shopping. While I was shopping I bought razorblades. I was a little nervous about buying them, I thought someone would know what they were for, but just having thme made me feel better, like I had some control back. I did cut myself, I'll have to be careful, because they cut very easily.
Today, I am feeling better than I did yesterday. I am a bit self-conscious about my arm because I am wearing something short-sleeved, but noone has said anything. I am a bit worried about what will happen when I go see Dr. P. on Thursday. I am going to try to make arrangements in case I have to go back to the hospital. It's somewhat comforting to thnk about going back but I wouldn't want all that medication again. I'll just have to see what happens.
Saturday, April 8th
I haven't been taking time for myself or writing everyday. I cut myself again on Tuesday night. DS had gone to visit with A. I cut pretty deep and it took me about 15 minutes to get it to stop bleeding. On Wednesday, the school nurse put a butterfly bandage on it. When I went to see Dr. P. on Thursday he made a good point. I cut myself because I was angry because I couldn't get things done for BH and DS but cutting myself did not make that better. I gave him the blades and felt safer. On Friday S. pointed out that cutting was an addiction like a drug. Even though they wer both right I still have wanted to cut myself and today I felt like killing myself. I am feeling better-the thoughts are not constand but they do come and go. If I cut myself again I am supposed to write down the "trail" of thoughts that lead to cutting. When we got home from the Pinewood Derby I had a snack then went for a bike ride. It was really hard getting up the hill and now it is too windy and BH will come get me but it did help the bad feelings go down a bit. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. I passes a student who graduated in January. As I passed her I thought how mature and stable she seems. Even at school I always felt that she was the adult and I was the child. I really envy her. I have tried to pinpoint what makes me feel so bad but I just start thinking about one thing and it leads to another until it is too overwhelming and I feel like I can't stand it anymore.
My mother asked if she could talk to S. about what I have. I haven't told her the new diagnosis, I don't really want to. I feel very ashamed of it, like I can't control myself like other adults do.
I felt bad for S. this week. She seemed to have a busy week and seemed tired. I felt bad telling her all this stuff since she had such a week. I feel like I am always complaining and never finding anything good but there to be some good things. This morning as we were leaving Foxy climbed a tree to catch something and then jumped down again. It was pretty funny to watch. She's really a good cat and spends a lot of time with me. Skittles is good too but she is much more independent.
It has felt good sitting in the sun all day. I stopped by the stream on the way up and listened for a while. It was very soothing and I was tempted to take my shoes and socks off and put my feet in because the water didn't feel too cold.
I just saw someone I know (but don't recognize) with her two boys (about 2). A wave of darkness came over just like earlier today at the Derby with all those people seeming so happy and normal like I want to be again! Nobody has any idea how bad I feel and none understand. I just want to know that this will get better!
Wednesday, April 12
The week has not been good. I am finding it more difficult to concentrate on anything. Monday I went shopping and bought more razors. Today has been the first day I have really felt like cutting myself. On Monday evening I spent about an hour with my Ativan debating whether or not to take it. I felt there were few things left to do. I am more prepared today. I am still not sure I have enough to do more than put me ina comea-I was angry with Dr. P on Monday because he only gave me 14.
I got more reading done and have completed my application acceptance. However I don't believe I will be able to do my presentation next week as scheduled. Since DS stated taking his allergy medicine he seems much better. He is sleeping better and his attitude is better. BH is getting nervous about work again. They will have a meeting on Friday when he will find out what is going on. I didn't handle that as well as I would have liked last time and this time I am not sure I can handle it all. I feel like everything at home is back to normal except me. I don't wnat to have to think about things like the bills, insurance, etc. It's just all too frustrating. And then I come to work and feel like I do little. I am not really teaching. I doubt I am affecting any of the kids.
I know I shouldn't cut but right now it is the only way I can feel better. I don't know what I'll do at S.'s today. If I tell her she will take these things from me and I won't have control again.
R. said he thought if I killed myself that God would still love me but he thought I would have be held accountable for what happened here. I don't think it would be too bad here-people would get along without me. I just want to leave a few instructions so things go smoothly.
Thursday, April 13
I am back at Natchaug which is good because I feel safe. I know that I can't really follow through on thoughts of hurting myself. I'm angry with myself for not following through and I am still having trouble with givving S. the pills. Right now it is nice just to sit and not have to think.
Friday, April 14
They have let me off constant observation so I will be able to go down and get dinner and go out on the unit I met with Dr. S today and along with changing my meds (again) he also said a couple of things which seemed to make sense and have put a little twinge into me. First he said that it sounded like I was feeling a little sorry for myself and he's right. He also said I have to work on getting better. He said it won't be easy, but I have to do it. I guess the first thing made more of an impression. I need to adapt to things and get going or I will never be back to where I used to be or maybe I don't want to be and that's the whole point.
Tuesday, April 4th
I need to catch up since Friday. When I saw S. she suggested a book to get to read which I picked up last night. I feel a little funny about reading like somehow if I read it I wiil get in on some kind of secret and I won't get better. Saturday we did some cleaning. It was really nice out and while BH and DS ran errands I got a little gardening done and I read two chapters for class. Over the weekend I decided I will accept a place in the Master's program. Saturday night we went to Mom and Dad's for dinner and cake and coffeee. I got some very nice things. Sunday we went out to dinner with my parents and BH.'s bothers and Dad and E. It was very nice. I didn't think I would like it as well as I did. BH. did some very nice things for me this weekend. I just wish I could be better for him.
Yesterday I was very agitated all day. I did get some work done and at home I picked up a bit and did laundry. I also did the grocery shopping. While I was shopping I bought razorblades. I was a little nervous about buying them, I thought someone would know what they were for, but just having thme made me feel better, like I had some control back. I did cut myself, I'll have to be careful, because they cut very easily.
Today, I am feeling better than I did yesterday. I am a bit self-conscious about my arm because I am wearing something short-sleeved, but noone has said anything. I am a bit worried about what will happen when I go see Dr. P. on Thursday. I am going to try to make arrangements in case I have to go back to the hospital. It's somewhat comforting to thnk about going back but I wouldn't want all that medication again. I'll just have to see what happens.
Saturday, April 8th
I haven't been taking time for myself or writing everyday. I cut myself again on Tuesday night. DS had gone to visit with A. I cut pretty deep and it took me about 15 minutes to get it to stop bleeding. On Wednesday, the school nurse put a butterfly bandage on it. When I went to see Dr. P. on Thursday he made a good point. I cut myself because I was angry because I couldn't get things done for BH and DS but cutting myself did not make that better. I gave him the blades and felt safer. On Friday S. pointed out that cutting was an addiction like a drug. Even though they wer both right I still have wanted to cut myself and today I felt like killing myself. I am feeling better-the thoughts are not constand but they do come and go. If I cut myself again I am supposed to write down the "trail" of thoughts that lead to cutting. When we got home from the Pinewood Derby I had a snack then went for a bike ride. It was really hard getting up the hill and now it is too windy and BH will come get me but it did help the bad feelings go down a bit. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. I passes a student who graduated in January. As I passed her I thought how mature and stable she seems. Even at school I always felt that she was the adult and I was the child. I really envy her. I have tried to pinpoint what makes me feel so bad but I just start thinking about one thing and it leads to another until it is too overwhelming and I feel like I can't stand it anymore.
My mother asked if she could talk to S. about what I have. I haven't told her the new diagnosis, I don't really want to. I feel very ashamed of it, like I can't control myself like other adults do.
I felt bad for S. this week. She seemed to have a busy week and seemed tired. I felt bad telling her all this stuff since she had such a week. I feel like I am always complaining and never finding anything good but there to be some good things. This morning as we were leaving Foxy climbed a tree to catch something and then jumped down again. It was pretty funny to watch. She's really a good cat and spends a lot of time with me. Skittles is good too but she is much more independent.
It has felt good sitting in the sun all day. I stopped by the stream on the way up and listened for a while. It was very soothing and I was tempted to take my shoes and socks off and put my feet in because the water didn't feel too cold.
I just saw someone I know (but don't recognize) with her two boys (about 2). A wave of darkness came over just like earlier today at the Derby with all those people seeming so happy and normal like I want to be again! Nobody has any idea how bad I feel and none understand. I just want to know that this will get better!
Wednesday, April 12
The week has not been good. I am finding it more difficult to concentrate on anything. Monday I went shopping and bought more razors. Today has been the first day I have really felt like cutting myself. On Monday evening I spent about an hour with my Ativan debating whether or not to take it. I felt there were few things left to do. I am more prepared today. I am still not sure I have enough to do more than put me ina comea-I was angry with Dr. P on Monday because he only gave me 14.
I got more reading done and have completed my application acceptance. However I don't believe I will be able to do my presentation next week as scheduled. Since DS stated taking his allergy medicine he seems much better. He is sleeping better and his attitude is better. BH is getting nervous about work again. They will have a meeting on Friday when he will find out what is going on. I didn't handle that as well as I would have liked last time and this time I am not sure I can handle it all. I feel like everything at home is back to normal except me. I don't wnat to have to think about things like the bills, insurance, etc. It's just all too frustrating. And then I come to work and feel like I do little. I am not really teaching. I doubt I am affecting any of the kids.
I know I shouldn't cut but right now it is the only way I can feel better. I don't know what I'll do at S.'s today. If I tell her she will take these things from me and I won't have control again.
R. said he thought if I killed myself that God would still love me but he thought I would have be held accountable for what happened here. I don't think it would be too bad here-people would get along without me. I just want to leave a few instructions so things go smoothly.
Thursday, April 13
I am back at Natchaug which is good because I feel safe. I know that I can't really follow through on thoughts of hurting myself. I'm angry with myself for not following through and I am still having trouble with givving S. the pills. Right now it is nice just to sit and not have to think.
Friday, April 14
They have let me off constant observation so I will be able to go down and get dinner and go out on the unit I met with Dr. S today and along with changing my meds (again) he also said a couple of things which seemed to make sense and have put a little twinge into me. First he said that it sounded like I was feeling a little sorry for myself and he's right. He also said I have to work on getting better. He said it won't be easy, but I have to do it. I guess the first thing made more of an impression. I need to adapt to things and get going or I will never be back to where I used to be or maybe I don't want to be and that's the whole point.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Psych Part V
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I am feeling a little better today. I am still upset but I am thinking about accepting their offer of a place as a Master's student. (If only to show them I CAN do it.) I am still thinking about the diagnosis I have been given of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have questions to ask S. Like how did I get it, will it go away, etc. Later today I am taking G. W. , and N. to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. R. is coming along to help. It should be fun. We had a good time at the restaurant. The boys thought it was neat. When we got home I slept for a bit then went to L.'s.
1. I napped for awhile.
2. When a woman got upset at another table because the boys were rambunctious I decided it was her problem since if she wanted quiet she should not be eating there.
3.I get along well with children.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Well I made it through yesterday ok but today was not so great. My appointment went fine and the specialist said I don't have to go back. Then I went to the church to organize the their library. That was peaceful. I went home, got laundry going and cut myself. I was very angry and had trouble cutting myself well. I was afraid I would cut too far and DS. had violin lesson. I also had class last night. I thought alot today abot hurting myself and wish it would stop.
1. I organized the church library.
2. I didn't handle my anger today-I cut myself to let some out.
3. I am good at organizing things.
Thursday, March 30, 2000
I am still not feeling well. I found where BH. hid the Ambien and considered bringing them with me. I am afraid to call S. to tell her how I feel because I am afraid I'll have to go to the hospital again. I have gotten some work done at school today but I don't quite feel like myself. I am moving and thinking slowly which is frustrating to me. Dr. P. called and changed my prescriptions. Now I am only going to be taking 1/2 Ativan twice a day. Hopefully I won't sleep as much. When I got home I took a nap and felt better. I did some laundry and cleaned up. I also balanced the checkbook. I still went to bed early.
1. Napped a long time.
2.
3.
Friday, March 31
It would have been very easy this to take the Ambien. I had them in my hand but changed my mind. I wanted to cut myself but couldn't cut hard enough. In spite of all that I feel pretty good. It's really bright and sunny and I feel more alert than I have. I won't be taking Ativan until Noon. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. but I am not quite sure what to say.
Memere,
I am not sure what to say in this letter. I remember a few things about you but not very well. I only know how you looked from pictures. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know you better. I understand you were a fun person. I know you worked hard and took good care of your children. I have heard many stories about you from cousins and Aunts and Uncles and am jealous that they had the chance to know you when you were well. I guess alot of what I remember about you scary. The doctors, priests and the arguments must have been upsetting to me. I also remember playing with you in your hospital bed and watching TV. That is a good memory.
Anger-Things that make me angry
Not being able to do things I could do last year (concentrate, remember, etc.)
Not being able to help as much with stuff and G.
Not being able to do work as well
Feeling like hurting myself
Not caring about what is happening to others
Being selfish
Not lying well enought to hide what I want to do.
When people take away my ability to hurt myself.
How this all bothers my family.
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
I am feeling a little better today. I am still upset but I am thinking about accepting their offer of a place as a Master's student. (If only to show them I CAN do it.) I am still thinking about the diagnosis I have been given of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I have questions to ask S. Like how did I get it, will it go away, etc. Later today I am taking G. W. , and N. to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. R. is coming along to help. It should be fun. We had a good time at the restaurant. The boys thought it was neat. When we got home I slept for a bit then went to L.'s.
1. I napped for awhile.
2. When a woman got upset at another table because the boys were rambunctious I decided it was her problem since if she wanted quiet she should not be eating there.
3.I get along well with children.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
Well I made it through yesterday ok but today was not so great. My appointment went fine and the specialist said I don't have to go back. Then I went to the church to organize the their library. That was peaceful. I went home, got laundry going and cut myself. I was very angry and had trouble cutting myself well. I was afraid I would cut too far and DS. had violin lesson. I also had class last night. I thought alot today abot hurting myself and wish it would stop.
1. I organized the church library.
2. I didn't handle my anger today-I cut myself to let some out.
3. I am good at organizing things.
Thursday, March 30, 2000
I am still not feeling well. I found where BH. hid the Ambien and considered bringing them with me. I am afraid to call S. to tell her how I feel because I am afraid I'll have to go to the hospital again. I have gotten some work done at school today but I don't quite feel like myself. I am moving and thinking slowly which is frustrating to me. Dr. P. called and changed my prescriptions. Now I am only going to be taking 1/2 Ativan twice a day. Hopefully I won't sleep as much. When I got home I took a nap and felt better. I did some laundry and cleaned up. I also balanced the checkbook. I still went to bed early.
1. Napped a long time.
2.
3.
Friday, March 31
It would have been very easy this to take the Ambien. I had them in my hand but changed my mind. I wanted to cut myself but couldn't cut hard enough. In spite of all that I feel pretty good. It's really bright and sunny and I feel more alert than I have. I won't be taking Ativan until Noon. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. but I am not quite sure what to say.
Memere,
I am not sure what to say in this letter. I remember a few things about you but not very well. I only know how you looked from pictures. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know you better. I understand you were a fun person. I know you worked hard and took good care of your children. I have heard many stories about you from cousins and Aunts and Uncles and am jealous that they had the chance to know you when you were well. I guess alot of what I remember about you scary. The doctors, priests and the arguments must have been upsetting to me. I also remember playing with you in your hospital bed and watching TV. That is a good memory.
Anger-Things that make me angry
Not being able to do things I could do last year (concentrate, remember, etc.)
Not being able to help as much with stuff and G.
Not being able to do work as well
Feeling like hurting myself
Not caring about what is happening to others
Being selfish
Not lying well enought to hide what I want to do.
When people take away my ability to hurt myself.
How this all bothers my family.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Psych, Part IV
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!
I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.
Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.
One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.
Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
1.
2.
3.
Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.
Sunday, March 19, 2000
Today was ok. I did lots of little tings and spent time with DS. I have forgotten most of it because I didn't write on Sunday.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Coming back to work yesterday was alright. People were very kind and several offered help if I needed it. I didn't get much done, bit I did go through my mail and work on some new equipment. When I got home we took DS to go rollerbladng but he was too crabby and it got cold.
1. I took a long hot bath and just relaxed.
2. I found myself very irritated with DS and started to yell. I took a step back, caught my breath and calmed down (but I was still angry with him.)
3. I like the color of my skin.
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
This has been a difficult morning. I left without my calend and keys. I really wish I had taken Amien with me. I am feeling very frustrated, very agitated and very angry right now. I can't do things at home because I'm too tired and I have only been able to read for my course one day, If I wasn't useless before, I certainly am now!
I began to feel better after seeing Dr. P. I guess I was very anxious about seeing him. After I get a blood test done, I will be changing medications which will hopefully get rid of some of the side effects. I spent some time at the mall for a bit, then went home.
1. I spent about 10 minutes at the pet store petting and talking to Zach the Macaw.
2. Nothing to get angry about over today but the anxiety and thoughts of cutting myself were overwhelming.
3. I get along with most other people.
Wednesday, March 22 and Thursday March 23, 2000
Wednesday was a pretty poor day. Today was not much better. There were times each day I thought how terrible it would be for DS and BH if I slit my wrists. but I am still very frustrated by my inability to work the way I used to. My thinking and memory are not as sharp as they were and I know it! I forget things, I have trouble concentrating when people speak to me and I often have to ask them to repeat what they said. At work I am only able to get done what needs to be done for the day and can do little over and above the basics. Dr. P. said I need to have patience in all of this since I didn't become sick over night, I also can't get better overnight. He also said I need to distract myself when I feel like cutting myself. But I have found this hard. I have had a strong urge since yesterday to cut myself and have it off, though I did scrape a little. The elastic band is just not the same.
One of the bad things about all of this is my inability to "feel" much of anything. Yesterday I found out that a who has been best friends with my mom and our family since they were in high school has a bone cancer. I should have been very upset, yet I felt nothing. I don't know if this the medication or the depression.
1. I sleep alot at home.
2. I was able to handle a situation with three students. When I started to get upset I took a breath and spoke firmly but calmly to them. Their teacher ended up the one who blew a gasket.
3. I like the way I feel when I hug DS or BH they make me feel content and safe.
Friday, March 24, 2000
I felt really good today. I was more alert than I have been. I was able to do some work at school. It was really warm and a bunch of us ate in the courtyard. My appointment with S. was ok. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After the appointment I was a little angry because S. had me read this journal and now I have give BH the Ambien to give me when I need it. I guess there is some part of me that doesn't really want to die since I have told her this. I am supposed to write a letter to Memere T. I also was angry because I had this new diagonese, and I can't really look it up until Monday.
1. I fell asleep about 7:30.
2. This morning a woman was upset with me because she wanted to get by my car but couldn't. She kept blowing her horn. I got a little angry and I did blow my horn back but then realized it was a stupid little thing and let it go.
3. I have a good sense of humor.
Saturday, March 25, 2000
We spent a good part of the day in Mystic to watch the launch of the Amistad. It was nice but not as exciting as I hoped it would be. We got cold and we went to the Aquarium.
1. I bout a nice red soft sweatshirt for myself. (And one for DS.)
2. I was very nervous about getting to the Seaport but BH listened and we parked and walked which made me feel better.
3.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
We had a visit with J and S. It was Noah's birthday. We went as a courtesy but were not particularly excited about being there.
1.
2.
3.
Monday, March 27, 2000
Today has been a very bad day. I felt strong urges to cut myself, but I have to wait until after tomorrow night when we do DS's birthday. When I read my email there was one from Dr. B. telling me I was not accepted into the Phd program because I didn't have the right background. I feel like the last goal has been ripped out from under me. I was angry with them, I am angry with myself for getting sick, I am angry with myself for telling S. about the sleeping pills and with S. for making me give them to BH I could not think of anything else all day. I did nothing for myself today and once again did nothing with my other goals.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Psych Part III
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.
Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.
Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!
[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]
Wednesday, March 15 2000
Yesterday and Monday I didn't write because I was busy and I was too tired at the end of the day. On Monday I went shopping with my Mom for DS's birthday. It was fun, I had my mom take me because I didn't feel comfortable driving. We also had a meeting with the school psychologist about DS. He does not have a learning disability, he does not have ADD or ADHD, but he is gifted (96-99%.) B. also said he does have a somewhat difficult personality and recommended we consult with a clinical psychologist. We are waiting a bit before we do anything about this. Though both days were better than they have been, I have still had some thoughts of hurting myself. Yesterday was worse because I was alone all day. I talked myself out of it. But this morning I actually took a shower without thinking about cutting myself. I am not going to write more about the meds because I am taking them like I am supposed to. For the three other goals:
1. I bought myself a new dress and spending time with my Mom was good.
1. I planted peas and sweet peas.
2. I did not get angry
2. BH. signed up for a new credit card. I was angry but after I TALKED to BH and we decided to keep it.
3.
3. I do special things for DS.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Yesterday morning may have been great but the day grew worse as it went along. I really had a struggle not cutting myself. I have also thought that my birthday would be a good day to commit suicide. I could leave on the same day I came here. I am also hoping that by then the medication and counseling will be to a point that I will not go through with my plan.
Friday, March 17, 2000
I went for a bike ride to campus yesterday. It felt good. I was however drawn to the stream along the way. I can't understand why running water makes me feel like it does. I could actually picture myself calmly going to sleep and not waking up again. I'm not constantly thinking about suicide or hurting myself, but it does come up often. I keep waiting for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I guess I need to work on this. I also need to let the baby thing go. For two years everything I have done has focused on "the baby." My eating habits, vitamins, exercising was all done to make sure that if I got pregnant the baby would be ok and somewhere along the line it became me that was not ok. I will be doing (at least trying) things for me. I went to Borders last night it was nice just to be there alone and look at anything I wanted to .
1. I went for a bike ride and I went to Borders alone.
2.
3. I am polite.
Saturday, March 18, 2000
Last night we went to Husky Blues to hear G. play. It was nice. I got the chance to talk to D. and JT. Today I went to my parents to download some software for my PalmPilot. Then D., Mom, PG, and I went to the Marlborough Barn. It was a nice afternoon. Right now I am feeling pretty low. I know that the drugs have changed me. I am quieter, talk less, and sit still. However I find it frustrating that I can't always think or speak as clearly as I used to. I also forget things and this really bothers me. I think what it will be like on Monday with everyone asking me where I've been I almost wish no one noticed that I was gone. I am not sure how well I will be able to do my job. Even though I like my job I feel how unimportant it is. I am just very sad tonight (I forgot to feed the bunny.) My hip hurts alot and my breasts are swollen and tender. I just want to be away from it all. I'm really tired too!
[Few people actually noticed I was gone, one of the medications made my joints hurt and another caused me to lactate. While I could have made some extra money as a wet nurse, it was a bit unsettling. I stopped both medications and everything cleared up.]
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